I’m going to see Jillian Michaels tonight, and I am absolutely bummed.

Or was absolutely bummed, I should say.

This morning started off with me in a bad mood over a pair of rhinestone jeans. A few months ago when I was in a particularly bad body image phase, I hung said jeans up on my dresser and promised myself that by the time Jillian rolled around, I’d be wearing them.

In my bad mood, I realized that I didn’t want to start the weekend off on a cranky foot. So I sat myself down (with a coffee) and started journalling, and I realized something.

I’m pretty good at asking powerful questions as a life coach (to my clients, I mean). I’m okay at asking them to myself, and today’s powerful question was: What would be different if I was wearing those pants?

What would really be different about my life if I was 15lbs lighter (o however many it would have taken to have them zipped up and simultaneously being able to breathe)?

I thought about it…

• I’d go to the beach
• I’d wear my new bikini
• I’d jump in the lake first out of all my friends
• I’d dress up
• I’d be able to go in my closet and wear anything
• I’d eat ice cream without worrying about whether or not I’d “earned it” or without skipping a meal to “make up or it”
• I’d sit on a patio on a nice day without feeling like I “should” be on my bike or running OR I’d go for run on a nice day because I feel like it, not because I feel compelled to
• I’d spend more time at CrossFit getting stupid strong even if it meant needing to buy bigger clothes to accommodate said strong muscles
• I’d be friendlier and less down on myself/cranky when I am around girls who are prettier/stronger/smarter/etc.-er than me
• I’d be more confident
• I’d go on vacation
• I’d go out for dinner and eat meals with people instead of worrying about it so damn much
• I’d eat three meals a day instead of attempting to skip one or replace it with snacks or smoothies or a treat
• I’d sleep in more and not feel bad about it
• I’d have lazy Sunday mornings without having to remind myself that it’s okay to not do a long run, long bike ride, or race every single weekend
• I’d go to yoga more

Wow.

Then I was reminded of something I shared a few weeks ago on my facebook page.

Yoohoo Cheryl….you can do the things on that list right this very second. Your jeans might not zipper, but besides not wearing those jeans, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing the other things you think require you to be x number of pounds lighter.

There is absolutely nothing stopping me from stepping into that relationship with exercise where I do what I want to do without worrying about what it will do to my body or making it mean something about my worthiness or lack thereof.

I am entirely free to throw away the clothes that don’t fit me and to replace them with ones that do (thank God for Visa).

I don’t have to play out the old story about not deserving treats or meals out or needing to earn them.

All it takes to be confident and friendly is to decide to be.

When we tell ourselves that we will have that shiny, awesome life only once we have the body we think we should, we send ourselves a subconscious message that we don’t really deserve those things. A person who doesn’t feel deserving—especially from themselves—isn’t going to take very good care of themselves, which for me spells a recipe to keep on emotionally using food and exercise to meet my needs in a misguided way. When we don’t belong to ourselves and don’t have our own unconditional love, we lose.

I think of what I’ve lost to the idea that I need to fix my body before I can start to live the way I really want to live. I think of the time I’ve spent working out, stressing over meals, reading about diets and nutrition and fat loss. I think of the money I’ve spent on diet books, on programs, on food. I think of the energy I’ve lost and the power I’ve given away. I think of the experiences I’ve missed out on or held back during and I get really worked up. What I’ve come to realize has been worth it, however, because it’s pretty transformative stuff…

What my life looks like isn’t dependent upon what my body looks like. The size of my goals, dreams, and aspirations doesn’t have to be dictated by the size of my butt. The only thing the scale can tell me is something about gravity and mass that I’ve never quite understood anyways.

While stepping into this new place of worthiness isn’t easy (I can’t lie and say I dove in with both feet), staying comfortable hating myself is not an option I want to continue to choose.

When it comes down to it, I do not need to lose any weight.

Truth be told, I am healthy. I’ve had my third period in a row for the first time in a bajillion years. I’m doing something right, and as much as I might think that my belly looks chubby or dislike that my thighs rub together when I run, I’m healthier than I’ve been in a long time. Stronger too. Happier as well. Doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

That being said, we live in a society that tells us that we need to control our bodies and that smaller is better. That’s what I believed for a very long time, but beliefs can change–and this one is.

It might be radical to say that you like your body the way it is—and to live like you do instead of waiting for your cover model body to get here—but it’s also rad.

Instead of thinking about how you’d live differently if you had a six pack, why not think about how you’d live differently if you didn’t think you needed to change the way your body looked? What kind of food would you eat? What if your weight was like your height and you couldn’t change it–what would you eat then? How would you exercise? Who would you be?

…and then do that.

One step at a time.

For me, that means making exercising fun (this afternoon I played volleyball after CrossFit instead of going for a run),  wearing a pair of jeans that feels good (thank god for jeggings) to Jillian tonight, and telling myself that I’m going to be the first one in the water when I get to the beach this weekend. For just this weekend, my intention is to act “as if” on this front and to work my way down that list of things I’d like to be different.

My thought is that the more that I treat myself as though I am deserving (because I am operating from the assumption that losing weight is an attempt to get my own love, approval, and acceptance), the less the weight will matter. And that would be a far better feeling than slipping into a pair of rhinestone jeans.

Thoughts? What would you do differently if your weight was set in stone?
What are you putting off until you’ve lost weight or perfected your body?
Have you had a similar realization? 

I’m not sure how many people who read my blog are in their 20s, but I’d guess that at least someone who is stumbling onto this post is facing a quarter-life crisis–and this is for you.

I don’t have a TV, which means that Ted Talks and weird YouTube videos are my go to when I want to watch something. This week, I’m loving Meg Jay’s “Why 30 is not the new 20″ talk.

I’m loving it because it goes along with a perspective shift I’ve made. People spend a lot of time talking about our limiting beliefs and we all know that our beliefs are what shapes our world, but it can be tricky to see how the heck we can go about changing them. I know I’ve struggled with a few–mostly to do with my body–so taking the time and recognizing that it is possible to change your beliefs is empowering.

When I started my life coaching certification–or even the process of wanting to become a life coach–I had a pretty loud itty bitty shitty committee screaming various forms of the same crappy belief–”you’re too young”–at me.

Over and over again.

“Who would hire a 24 year old life coach?”

“You don’t even have a car, a house, a husband yet–who would take your advice?”

“What do you know?”

“You haven’t lived enough to be a life coach.”

Ew.

Those, my friends, are incarnations of a limiting belief. These beliefs hold us back. They maintain the status quo. They crush dreams. They suck–but they can shift!

Working with my coach, I started to realize that this belief that I had about my ability to be a life coach at the age of 24 was not necessarily true. While it is true that I’m 24 (that’s a circumstance and a fact and we could argue over it), it’s not true that I’m young (to a 17 year old, I’m old). We can argue over beliefs and thoughts, which means we can change them.

Hope!

To build up the balls to register for my coaching course, it took a lot of reflecting on what would make a qualified life coach. Think life experience, ED-ass kicking ability, a desire to change the world, an insatiable curiosity, a love of connection, etc. It also took finding examples of other “young” coaches who were killing it.

When I signed up, I’d like to say that I had a grandiose belief about my ability to change the world, but the honest truth is that I signed up with the confidence that I would at least have gained some skills by the end of it even if I never used them as a life coach or waited ’til I was more experienced in life to start actually coaching people. I’d say my belief had gone from “I’m too young to be a life coach.” to “I could use some life coaching skills in whatever I do.”

From there, being at the course helped me step further into the belief that “The fact that I’m a young coach is a gift.” The number of people who came up to me and applauded me for being self-aware and motivated enough to sign up for the course helped. So did the “I wish I’d taken this when I was your age–I think of the things I could have done!” comments. And meeting my coach, who is a young’n herself.

At my last coaching weekend, we talked about perspectives. A perspective is the arguable stance we take on a topic/circumstance. Applied to my age and related coaching abilities, I realized that just as easily as I could adopt the “my age is a limiting factor” perspective, I could aim for the “my age is a gift”–and I explored what might open up for me if I really lived from a place of being proud of my age and confident that it belonged on my “pros” list.

Linking it back to the video, you can see why I’m loving the idea that our 20s aren’t about dicking time away–and why I know what I’m doing as a 24 year old life coach is important, powerful, and exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Changing a belief means looking at the beliefs that you already have, coming up with new beliefs that feel reasonable (you probably can’t go from one extreme right to the other so leaning into new beliefs is important), and finding ways to prove to yourself that the new belief is true ’til it becomes the go-to thought. I wanted to include a few ways I’ve helped step into and solidify new beliefs in my own life, because I think they’re cute and they come in handy:

• mantras
• journalling –> making lists of the ways in which you’re already living out the new belief
• ways to act “as if” (these form the evidence for your new belief)*
• reminders on your calendar
• email reminders, text message reminders
• post-its on your mirror
• desktop backgrounds

*I highlight the acting “as if” step because while slapping an inspirational quote on your screensaver might make you feel warm and bubbly, when push comes to shove, we have to actually do something if we want to prove to ourselves that a new belief is true. Making a list of ways to actually live the new belief–for me, taking on practice clients before I felt “ready”, charging for my services, offering my services on my blog, and signing up for a coach to help me start my business, etc.–and then actually doing them and giving yourself props for having the courage to do so, is where the magic happens.

“I’m a young life coach with all kinds of potential” feels good these days! Why wouldn’t being young be a good thing?

I also want to add a note about something that pisses me off a little: this shit’s not easy.

I don’t believe that you can switch beliefs from one extreme to the other just like that. It doesn’t work like a light switch. Just like this belief took time and work to transition, so do all of our beliefs. The in-between, where we’re stretching ourselves and stepping into a new perspective, is admittedly uncomfortable. But the decision becomes: would you rather be uncomfortable en route to awesome or stay trapped in the spot you are right now indefinitely?

I know my answer!

This is why I love coaching. This is why I know that I’m doing the right thing. This is where the magic happens!

The moral of the story is: Changing our beliefs isn’t easy, but it is entirely possible.

Don’t underestimate the power of your beliefs–or your ability to change them.

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself?
Where have you been able to switch a belief?
What belief are you ready to tackle?

Happy Monday, strangers!

This post was going to start out with a recap of a weekend filled with fun—yoga, rock climbing, soccer, friends and family—but as I was putting it together, I realized that there’s more to it than some fun pictures and a “well, that was fun” sentiment.

On Saturday, I got a migraine and couldn’t go to my normal CrossFit classes to start the day off. By “couldn’t” I mean that I made the judgment call that my head exploding wasn’t worth it—but it took some debating in my head because I didn’t have any other “training sessions” planned for the weekend.

What I did have planned was a trip to try bouldering (rock climbing without the harness, basically) and my first soccer game of the season (come snow, sleet, or hail).

What a fun way to get my exercise for the weekend, right?

For me, “fun” was a non-factor in exercise for a really long time. Being a compulsive exercise will do that to you. When I was younger, I played sports—tennis, rugby, soccer, volleyball, wrestling, etc.—but I slowly lost it as I got older. So yesterday, I found myself wondering if I should head to the gym and needing to remind myself that I was being perfectly active already with a soccer game and a yoga class.

I didn’t say explicitly five years ago that I was quitting soccer so I could exercise more. But I had bought a bike and was heavy into a “if it’s not more than an hour at this % of my heart rate so I burn this many calories” mindset. So I slowly stopped going to my soccer games one season in favour of working out instead. I didn’t sign up for any more house leagues from there on out. Working out became almost entirely about controlling and affecting my body and I didn’t think about moving as an opportunity to use my body.

I see lots of girls who get into this habit of placing working out as the ultimate form of moving their bodies: classes, hours on the elliptical, running themselves into the ground. Even in high school, I can remember watching over my guy friends playing pickup basketball from my overlooking elliptical. #ew

There were certainly bright spots along my journey. Triathlon offered me some relief, eventually, when I started to see it as a sport and something to train for instead of solely as a way to lose weight/control my body. Ditto for CrossFit—the emphasis on training for something with CrossFit vs. training to burn calories, avoid getting fat, etc. has helped shift my mindset more and more.

It’s easy to get sucked into the idea that we need to work out to shape our bodies. I’ve been terrified of the question: what would happen to my body if I didn’t control it with diet and exercise? I don’t think I’m alone when I admit that for a long time my fear was that I’d balloon if I wasn’t vigilant about dieting and working out. I also think giving up the reins—and moving into a place where I trust that my body actually wants to be healthy and weigh what it’s supposed to weigh—was scary because I associated letting go with giving up and with the ultimate form of icky in my world, laziness.

But it’s not lazy to trust your body.

It’s not lazy to move your body in ways that you enjoy.

Back to my weekend: not a “workout” in sight, but plenty of exercise. Yoga, soccer, rock climbing…ways of moving that I enjoy!

My new question: what’s the point in being stupid fit if you’re never going to use that fitness to do the things that you honestly enjoy?

Please don’t get me wrong. I like spin classes and I like CrossFit, so it’s not like every time I go in the gym is torturous. But I also know that not “working out” for a weekend in favour of running around playing and having fun should be a non-issue, which brings me to something that’s been on my mind.

For a long time I’ve wanted to go on an Outward Bound trip—backpacking, rock climbing, kayaking, whatever—but I was too scared to do it because it would mean weeks without “training” and without a gym in sight. A friend of mine brought up a similar concern about going on vacation. How many of us are worried about this same issue? And why?

I want to shout it from the rooftops (or just at the itty bitty shitty committee in my head): We’re not put on this earth to perfect our bodies. What’s the point in having a “perfect” body if you are so busy perfecting it that you never use it for what it’s good for? How can you not go on a vacation or an adventure because you’re worried about what will happen to your body?

My body, as much as I might want to change things about it, is perfectly good enough for so many of the things (like the Outward Bound trip) that I want to do but put off. What’s the point in being alive if I don’t feel good enough to do what I want to do while I’m here?

My body is good enough to go for it. Yours is too, whatever “it” might be. A vacation. A relationship. A job. You name it, you’re good enough.

But what’s it mean to have a body that’s good enough? To actually own that our bodies are worthy of getting out there and living exactly as they are right now, not once we fit back into our skinny jeans?

I think most of us realize that our bodies are in fact good enough, but it takes courage to say so when the messages around us tell us that we need to constantly control—buy this, do that, use this—in order to be “good” by cultural standards.

But we have bodies that are indeed good enough. They breathe. They jump. They eat. They run, climb, dance, laugh, cry. They are perfectly extraordinary bodies that let us live whatever amazing lives we want. The sooner we stop worrying about what they look like and wasting our energy there, the more time we’ll have to live.

When you get to the end of things, you’re not going to regret going on a surfing trip with cellulite on your thighs, but you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll regret not going because you didn’t think you had the body for it.

The sooner we realize that our bodies are just tools we have for doing what we want to do–and that it’s what we want to do that’s important, not the bodies–the quicker we’ll get to living extraordinary lives.

My summary/advice…

Dream about the life you’ll live, not about the body you’ll have.  

(Plan the way you’ll change the world, not the way you’ll change your thighs. List the places you want to go, not the things you want to fix in yourself. Talk about the things you love, not about the ways you hate yourself. Focus on what you want to create in your world, not on what you need to perfect on your body. Etc. Etc. Etc.)

What are you putting off until you have a “better” body?
What’s your favourite way to exercise?

I have to preframe this post…

I do not have a problem with people posting what interests/motivates/excites them on facebook.

I do have a problem with the way women are positioned in the world of embracing our strength (recall a little post I wrote way back when about “strong is the new skinny”).

This week I feel like I’ve been bombarded with things that piss me off. I’m sure some of it is PMS but at any rate, here comes another rant.

After reading  “Why Women Should Not Run”—an article written by a man with a personal opinion as well as a product to sell—my mind was off to the races. So when two articles along the same line—promoting women lifting weights—but both written by women came up on my newsfeed yesterday, I was a lot more hopeful when I clicked.

I should have been tipped off by the title of the first—“Why Weight Training is the Best Beauty Prescription for Women”—but I wasn’t. The article itself made some good points and I think made a good case for why weightlifting is healthy—but it also put beauty and having a particular body at the forefront.

It’s the little things that get to me—largely because they’re the things people don’t take note of since they’re so darn common. Take, for instance, the photo of the record-holding weightlifter that was in this article.

The article references Marilou Dozois-Prevost’s ability to snatch 87 kilos even though she only weighs 53. If you don’t weightlift, trust me when I say that’s impressive (I weigh ~70kilos and can snatch 35 at best).

So let’s see her do it.

I googled her to see if I could find photos of Marilou in the action. I gave the author the benefit of the doubt—maybe the photos of her in the bottom of her snatch weren’t  out there or didn’t do her justice—but there are plenty of impressive images of Marilou doing her thing with a big smile on her face.

My question: If an article were citing a man for his ability to weightlift, would the picture of him be of him sitting on the ground, laughing?

Methinks no.

This is common. Even ridiculously fit, strong, impressive women who can do amazing things with their bodies are often pictured in passive roles. This takes the emphasis off of what they do and puts it back onto their bodies and how they look—and I’d argue that it’s damaging. Rather than reinforcing this message that women should lift weights, it sends a quieter—but pervasive—message that women should lift weights in order to look a certain way. The emphasis is on how you look, not on what you do—which confuses and angers me as a woman who lifts weight but doesn’t look like a photo from CrossFit Girls.

The second article—the icing on the Cheryl’s losing her shit cake, you might say—was about embracing the body that training, particularly for a high level sport, gives you. “Empower” did a good job and I liked this reference to the bodies of the women on the Canadian National Senior Women’s [rugby] Team in particular: “Although they do not represent the same ideas of beauty that we see in popular media, these national level athletes illustrate how female beauty comes in many forms. Even if it comes in a 170lb form of pure blood, sweat and tears.” What I didn’t like was that it was referring to their bodies as photographed for a nude calendar.

You can bet those women weren’t playing rugby in those shots. “Empower” included a few photos…

We have the classic headless crotch shot and we have a group of undoubtedly badass women standing around a gym in their sports bras.

I invite you to swap in a men’s team—topless and standing around—or a similar shot of a headless man pulling down his boxers—and reconsider how “powerful” these athletes become.

Cue screaming into a pillow.

I’m pissed off because telling women that it’s good to lift weights because it will make them beautiful is no better than telling women to diet because it will make them beautiful. Telling someone to do this or to do that because it’s the best thing for them and for their body composition or weight or whatever the choice of the day is still suggests that what we get out of something—a certain body, in this case—is more important that what we become or who we are being while we’re actually doing the thing.

This whole “strong is the new skinny”/women should lift/strong is beautiful/etc. discussion might redefine beauty as something that more women can fit into—but what if there’s more to working out and more to living than the quest to finally be considered beautiful?

These articles all assume the same thing—that women want to be beautiful and prioritize that above other things. They’re all focused on the same thing: What will __________________ (insert hot topic of the day) do to my precious appearance?

I’d like to suggest a few alternatives to focus on.

Pardon my French, but what if you didn’t give a f*ck?

What if you did what you genuinely liked to do and trusted that a woman who does what she likes to do will be too busy enjoying what she’s doing to care if she has cellulite? 

What if your body became a tool to do whatever it is you actually like to do instead of something to fix or shape or control?

Now I want to hear…

What activities would you do if you weren’t attached to what they’re doing to your thighs?

What lights you up and makes you feel alive?

What energizes, excites, and inspires you?

Ever feel like you’re being haunted by a link on your newsfeed?

Maybe it’s just me, but today was one of those days for me and this link to an article called “Why Women Should Not Run” is one of those links.

When I actually read the article, I got a little worked up.

What came to mind?

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“What if I like running?” (and biking and swimming and spin classes)

In short, I read an article intended for people whose goals are different than mine, but it brought up an interesting question for me. It referred to the use of cardio as an approach that wasn’t working.

What if—radical as it may sound—there are reasons besides changing what you look like in a bikini or what size your jeans are for working out? What if there’s some bliss in running on a trail, along a river, up a mountain, etc.?

How do you decide if an approach is “working”?

This article would be a godsend to the woman on the elliptical logging her minutes to burn off the gluten free vegan paleo raw muffin she ate even though she should be watching her carbs.

But to me, “working” is defined as something very different than looking good in a faceless photo taken from behind wearing a pair of underwear firmly shoved up my butt while I deadlift. (I’m surprised the girl in this photo from the article isn’t wearing high heels).

“Working” is being healthy, being happy, and enjoying what I do. It’s getting rid of the should and the should not—which is probably another reason why an article called “Why Women Should Not Run” is not one I should have clicked on in the first place.

My second indication could have been the website where it was written—“Dangerously Hardcore”. I don’t really want to be dangerously hardcore.  This is just a side rant, but here goes:  This is a prime example of needing to take things in context—and there’s always a context.

Remember something – this guy has a book and a program dedicated to what he’s promoting in the article. Of course people need to write about what they know, but it’s best to remind yourself when dabbling in the advice out there on the interwebs that people can’t help but write things with their own interests in mind. If someone has a book promoting something and you’re reading info “for the greater good” on their website, keep in mind that their idea of what would make the world a better place is probably pretty specific (and in line with what they write about, sell, promote, stand for, etc.).

Anyways, back to my original rant.

Maybe a gal who runs on the treadmill or hits the pavement a few times a week does it because she wants to. Maybe those fundraisers she got roped into are causes she cares about or maybe the fifth marathon the article pokes fun at is the one that she’s always wanted to run.

Here’s a radical thought: what if people run, bike, do “chronic cardio” for reasons besides the effects it will have on the size of their butts?

The gift in stumbling onto this article isn’t that I’m going to stop running and end up in my skinny jeans. To be totally honest, I cut running, doing spin classes, riding and swimming from 5 days a week down to 1 or 2 in favour of lifting heavy and doing CrossFit for the last half a year and I’ve gained about 20lbs—even with a switch to a paleo-ish diet. I think part of what pissed me off so much with this article was it was exactly the advice I took—and for what? I have hypothyroidism just like the damsel in distress in the article does—and my switch didn’t help. I still have abnormal levels as of last week. In short, I’m mad that I didn’t use my brains a little more a little earlier to listen to my own voice instead of what this book, that blog, this guru told me was the best thing for me.

The point here isn’t: don’t lift and go running. The point is: think about what your goals are. If something’s not “working” for you, be willing to figure out what the f*ck “working” means. Does it mean fitting in your high school jeans? Crossing finishing an Ironman off your bucket list? Having energy to play with your kids? Winning a competition? RX’ing your workouts at CrossFit? Enjoying what you’re doing?

There is a big difference between running because you think you should and running because you want to. I can speak from experience – whatever is supposed to “work” will not work if you don’t enjoy it. If you’re skinny or ripped because you put yourself through miserable months of dieting and slaving away at the gym you might get your dream body—but you’ll still be miserable.

I’m almost done, but I have one more bone to pick with the article.

The author’s beef is mostly with women who complain about not being able to lose fat by using cardio to make up for a crap diet. I’d like to suggest something different than saving this girl with his superior approach…What if someone asked those women why they’re going on these “regular weekend beer binges” or what’s behind these “amazing displays of gluttony”? I’d argue that no matter how hot you might look naked, is it “working” if you’re bingeing? Is that healthy? Happy?

I’m grateful that I decided to call my blog “happy is the new healthy” because it offers a reminder—at a time where I need it desperately—that no matter how “healthy” someone tells me that something is, if it’s crazy-making, it’s not healthy.

Healthy is doing things that you love. Healthy is living for reasons that are more important that fixing, controlling, or shaping your body.  Healthy is happy. At the end of MY life, I’m going to care more about whether I ran that trail race than if I got back into my skinny jeans. I’m going to care more about whether I deadlifted that supermassive barbell than if I had a beach body. I’m going to care more whether I liked myself enough while I was here to enjoy myself—NOT whether I was wearing a size 4 while I did it.

The moral?

Do what you love—no should or should nots allowed.

And if you’ve lasted this long, here’s a much happier link that’s been haunting me lately—to the Dove Real Beauty’s latest initiative.

What is something you do because you love it?
Where’s somewhere you tend to take advice without thinking about who’s giving it?
What do you think of the Dove video?

Mid mini-egg snarfing last night, I had a realization. As I danced on the line between “normal” festive holiday emotional eating to compulsive/bingeing territory, I “woke up”…

As yucky as it was to catch myself in the moment, in the habit of eating at night, it sent me to my journal with something on my mind.

I was not eating out of hunger, but I was hungry.

I was not hungry because I needed fuel, food, chocolate, or mini eggs.

So, I sat down to my journal with a question on my mind: What am I hungry for?

You will never be able to eat enough to fill an empty heart.

No amount of cookies, of chocolate, of cake, of chips—of whatever—can fill that kind of hunger.

A hungry belly needs food. A hungry heart needs love. A hungry soul needs fulfillment.

There’s no love aisle at the grocery store. The farmer’s market doesn’t sell fulfillment. Love comes from family, from friends, but most conveniently—though often difficultly—from ourselves (how convenient!). Fulfillment comes from doing what makes you come alive—even if it’s not what pays the bills (right now) or pleases your parents or looks nice on paper.

If your world is filled with draining things—people who bring you down, a schedule filled to the brim with things to keep you busy but not inspired, a house filled with junk that you bought to impress other people—is it any wonder you try to fill yourself up with food?

An eating disorder of this type is not about eating.

Finding the perfect diet won’t get rid of a life disorder. Throwing away your chocolate won’t make you love yourself. Slapping a band-aid—in the form of a diet, a program, a whatever—on the situation just prolongs your agony. When will you address what’s really missing? When will you give yourself what you’re really hungry for?

Recognizing that food won’t fill you up is the first step. The next space—where you’ll likely continue to eat all the while knowing that it’s not the answer—is perhaps the most frustrating. Step into the part of the process where you start figuring out what it is that you want, what it is that you need, and who it is that you are. Take up a curiousity with yourself—Why are you turning to food? What might make you feel better? How do you use food and eating and dieting in your life?—and enter into a new way of being. Start on the big questions: What would fulfill you? Who do you want to be? What do you want? What if you were enough?

Geneen Roth’s wisdom comes to mind here.

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.”

Stop fixing yourself. This “problem” becomes a gift the moment you realize it has opened up these questions about what you’re really hungry for, which really get at what you want in your life and in turn what you believe about your ability or right to have them. Open it…

I’m interested in what you’ve learned about yourself if you’ve overcome an eating disorder or emotional eating…share with me in the comments!

Another week, another recap of training…

Wednesday

Wednesday noon classes at the gym rock my knee high socks.

Deadlift days are my favourite!

So…I liked Wednesday!

For our deadlifts, we did 5 sets of 5 reps. I got up to 225, which felt awesome.

Our WOD was four 500m rows — we recorded our worst time (womp womp). Mine was 1:54, which I held pretty consistently and which made me super happy because I couldn’t get below 2:00 before. All in a day’s work!

Thursday

I met 13.3 bright and early. If you’re not a CrossFit junkie monkey, the WOD was a 12 minute AMRAP: 150 wall balls, 90 double unders, 30 muscle ups. I wanted to go really quickly through the wallballs because double unders are no problemo for me. “Wanted” is key. My strategy to do sets of 25ish fell apart during the first 10…

When I got to the double unders, albeit later than expected, I got through them fine and dandy. I finished with about a minute and a half to stare at the rings and think about how nice it will be when I can do muscle ups.

Summary: frustrated. I was glad to have a few fellow early morning crazies to do the WOD with me, was lucky to have a counter who put up with my death stares, and I’m proud to say I only kicked the ball once.

All things considered, my score was not so bad in the grand scheme of things.

It took a little for me to move on, including an afternoon run to clear my mind. It was cold and I was suddenly wishing that it was more springlike. I think it was my eyelashes freezing that did it for me–and I was only out for about half an hour!

Friday

Rest day! I was up uber early to catch a train to Toronto. If lugging my suitcase around the city counts, then I guess it wasn’t a rest day! I also went for a stroll with some friends to the yoga conference in the evening after my life coaching training was done.

Saturday

I set an alarm so I would get up and hit the hotel gym. Sitting for a whole day, even in a ridiculously awesome learning environment, is tough for me. Any little movement beforehand helps, I figure, so a little movement I did!

From a list of bodyweight CrossFit WODs, I chose Annie (50-40-30-20-10 double unders and sit-ups). “Better than nothing” seems to sum it up. I got some looks from the old guys on the stationary bikes but that wasn’t so bad. Mostly, I missed being at the Saturday morning fun at home.

Sunday

Another rest/travel day.

Monday

The noon class on Monday felt like a homecoming. There were lots of friendly faces and it was nice to be back in the gym. I didn’t feel totally fired up after the workout, perhaps because I failed on the weight I tried for with my cleans and felt slow during the short WOD: 21-15-9 deadlifts and box jumps (135, 20″ Rx’d).

I’m learning to take the bad days in the gym as normal. If every day’s good and you don’t fail now and again, how hard are you trying?

Tuesday

6am classes are their own kind of special. Today was balls. WOD: 1000m row/7 rds of 7 wall balls and 7 burpees. I took 10:37 to enjoy this bad boy. I was happy cuz the 1000m took me less than 4 minutes. Yay for getting better at rowing!

Since today felt like 3 days all in one (I had lots of meetings, taught bootcamp, coached a few clients , etc.), by mid-afternoon I’d forgotten about the WOD and hit the trails for a short run. I got muddy, found some sunshine, and remembered why I love running along the river! Yay for spring being in the air!

I had extra motivation to run the trails today.

That’s all I’ll say.

Happy sweating!

Warning: word vom ahead.

As I mentioned earlier this week, this weekend is my fulfillment workshop through CTI.

It’s already been powerful.

We started out with values clarification and some visualization exercises + coaching that led to a whole list of powerful values—some of which matched the ones I pulled off a list from the internet way back when when I attempted to do this on my own and some of which I never would have come up with or chosen without them presenting themselves in the visualizations.

From there, we coached and worked on coming up with a mission statement/life purpose statement in the form of:

I am the _____________ that _______________.

The exercise lends itself to a metaphor, which makes things cheesy on my end:

I am the renegade that opens up new vistas.

I am the pioneer woman that forges a new path.

Catch my drift?

Lately (especially since quitting lululemon) I’ve been contemplating what I want to do in the fall. I’ve got the summer filled with my coaching courses, working at GFC and interning at CrossFit, maybe teaching some more bootcamp, freelance writing and blogging, helping out and having some fun with my friends who are in the ribfest businesss, and finding time for relaxing and biking and being outside, but I know come fall I’ll find some openness. With my coaching program, I can go through certification immediately or spend some time working and then complete the 6 month certification process.

There are many an option spinning in my head. I could go back to school—there’s a masters in sports sociology that keeps presenting itself to me as an option. I could finish my writing certificate and dedicate some real time to building my portfolio as a freelance writer.  I could do my certification and dive into a coaching business. I could take a whole different set of courses through CTI based on leadership. I could focus on working more in the fitness industry and start training people.

The beauty of being a jill of all trades is that there are so many possibilities. The rub is that I tend to overwhelm myself with them and since I’m battling an addiction to busy, I need to watch myself.

Luckily, this weekend came right on time.

Clarifying my mission and my purpose makes it obvious why I love doing the things I love doing:

• As a freelance writer, my favourite articles to write are the ones about things that have interested me – a cyclist eating an out of the box paleo diet, for instance.
• As a blogger, I like writing about my own personal experience taking ownership for my own life, beliefs, and behaviours. I get a really warm feeling when I get feedback that I’ve inspired someone to think about themselves differently.
• As a fitness instructor, I like leading people and inspiring them to do more than they might think they’re able to do.
• At GFC, I’m part of a mission that radically shifts the way people view their health and their bodies.
• As a coach, I’m working with people to remind them of and to help them claim their rightful awesomeness.
• Writing term papers in sociology was more rewarding than froyo for me because it gave me a chance to formally look at a socially constructed (i.e. not necessarily true) idea and to examine it and possibly reframe it (sounds a bit like taking a personal limiting belief and reframing it, doesn’t it?).

Keeping that in mind, I start to see the power in continuing to do what I’m doing. Rather than aiming to be the best freelance writer I could possibly be or the best fitness professional I could possibly be, I aim for becoming the best version of that pioneer woman or that renegade—in short, becoming the best Cheryl who is living out that life purpose. If that doesn’t feel like a weight off my shoulders, I don’t know what does. Yepp, I could take on more clients as a life coach—but do I need to? Yes, I could pitch more stories to magazines—but do I need to? See what I’m sayin’?

It’s not that I don’t want to be a high quality writer, fitness instructor, coach, etc. (or that I’m not trying to master those things and to continually get better at them)—it’s that rather than being all in to one profession or label, I’m all in to one mission, purpose, and driving factor. I’m all in to being the most fully expressed version of me. Knowing what I’m here for—at least in a rough form as a starting point (a purpose statement is ever evolving)—is power. It gives me a guiding point and a sort of target to measure things against—a sort of north star, our training suggests!

Add into all of this a heightened sense of clarity around what my most important values are and suddenly, making choices about what to do and where to go and how to spend my energy, time, and money feels much simpler. If I value contribution, honour that? Learning? Growth? Comfort? Excellence? Leadership? Authenticity? Communication? Having this clarity makes living my life on purpose a whole lot easier, and for that I am grateful.

In closing, I’m also grateful for this…

Have you ever actively clarified your values? What was the process like?
Do you have a guiding mission statement for your life? Care to share? 

Lots.

To.

Share.

5 wordy images I love 

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4 songs me likeeee

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(yes, I’m 14)

3 nutrition nerd posts for future reference

1. Dianne Sanfilippo’s rundown — “What is Paleo?” … Balanced Bites is my fav podcast, Practical Paleo is my paleo bible, and I can’t speak highly enough of this stuff!

2. The guidelines on the Weston A. Price website. If you haven’t dove into this stuff yet, I encourage you to!

3. The go to availability guide for what’s in season in these parts. C’monnnnn spring!

2 life coach bloggers I can’t get enough of

1. Nicole Antoinette –   My fav from a blog she posted recently about rest:

“Here’s the truth: If you’re constantly pushing yourself to do more and more and more, you’re going to burn out. Even if you’re motivated and insanely passionate. Even if you want what you want more than anyone has ever wanted anything ever. Regardless of how bad you want it, if you push yourself too hard, you’re going to burn out. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but it’ll happen – you’ll lose focus, your life will become too unbalanced, you’ll get hurt, you’ll get sick, you’ll get sleep deprived – and it’ll throw a big fucking wrench into all of your best laid plans.”

Amen to that!

2. Stephenie Zamora – I like her blog, I love her facebook feed, and she puts quotes into cheesy images. Need I explain this serious girl crush more? Her shit reminds me of my shit or at least makes me feel tingly:

“It comes down to personal responsibility, my passion. Women (and men) who take personal responsibility for creating the lives (and jobs) they desire are happier, healthier and have a greater impact than those who don’t.”

1 video I know you won’t regret watching

1. Brene Brown’s appearance on Oprah. phe-nom-en-al!

happy weekend!