This is going to look normal enough, but that’s what makes it frustrating.
Breakfast yesterday was typical–apples with cereal, soy milk, and some raisins…
A short run at a decent pace…
Me being a goof…
A typical peanut butter and carrot sandwich for lunch…
Greek yogurt and a banana for an afternoon nosh (on top of studying at Starbucks, of course)…
A giant salad for dinner…
Unphotographed but still normal — an apple after a particularly sweaty (and awesome) yoga class.
A bowl of salty pretzels in response to a craving…
…but what you don’t see is all the frustration and all the “nibbles” and “tastes” I had along with this (think grapes and berries galore, chocolate covered almonds, handfuls of cereal, etc.), or the evening “mini binge” I’ll get into in a bit…
Facts:
This is a stressful time.
I have a history of using food to distract myself.
I am recovered.
I am strong and fit.
Writing my post about recovery writing yesterday coupled with anxiety over going home (or not going home) this weekend in combination with end of the semester work, my mystery shoulder pain, and other little stressors was a lot for me. I started to have thoughts like “I’m too fat for summer” and “I’m always going to be injured and out of shape” and even “If I could lose weight things would be fine” until I realized all of the things I know as truths: I’m in the process of finding my happy weight by letting it happen as a result of eating in a balanced way and exercising in an enjoyable manner, I am not doomed to be injured forever and there are tons of active things I could do with a hip, shoulder, whatever injury, and if I lost weight my assignments, fears about the future, and dirty apartment wouldn’t miraculously disappear–I’d just be lighter and probably hungrier.
Still, even after a productive day (a short run, lots of homework and blogging, seeing some friends, grocery shopping, yoga, etc.) I should have dove into bed. Instead I dove into old habits and dug into a bag of pretzels and chocolate chips. Throw in some chocolate covered almonds and you have what I consider a mini binge—delivered standing over the sink and with a hefty dose of anxiety and guilt. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those foods but there is something wrong with swallowing them whole, telling yourself you shouldn’t be eating them, and with giving them the power I did.
I was going to keep this to myself but I had an epiphany and I remembered that keeping things a secret out of shame just reinforces that something was shameful. This little slip isn’t something I need to be ashamed of. It is something I need to admit. It doesn’t mean I’m not recovered or that I’m letting Ed back in my life, because I am recovered and I intend to stay this way.
So for this epiphany, which comes in two parts:
1. Ed is like an ex boyfriend who wants me back and is pissed that I’m not interested. He gets particularly riled up when I’m getting happier than ever (who am I to like myself or to want to share my recovery tips?) or when I’m stressed (understandable).
2. This one is a bit harder to articulate but I’m going to try: Jenni Schaefer talked about a counter Ed during her recovery and I think I have a counter Ed on my hands. Last night my heart and my head told me to go to bed. But counter Ed told me that doing so, when I was kind of hungry, meant that I was listening to Ed (ie giving Ed the power to say I couldn’t have pretzels before bed). The truth is, I need to listen to ME. Not to either Ed. This is my life and I can decide to eat or not eat something and I don’t have to worry about proving anything to anyone by my choices.
Take that Ed. I’m going to enjoy a day of eating what my tummy wants, exercising if it feels good, and focusing on the right things: finishing assignments, seeing friends, and smiling more.
Do you know what I mean when I refer to counter Ed?
Have you ever dealt with anything like this? Tips?
OMG I HAVE A COUNTER-ED too!!! And it tells me the exact same things. Some nights I’ll be totally satisfied after my bedtime snack, and I’ll go to bed, BUT then I’ll tally up what I ate that day and counter-ED will say “not enough. don’t you want to fuel tomorrow’s workout? you need some more calories to heal that tissue damage. go dip your finger in the almond butter jar!!” urrrgh. It’s a tough thing to reconcile.
I feel like I’ve been having a lot of those same thoughts as you lately too. the “I need to lose weight in time for summer” (I’m going to florida in a month to see my two best friends and obviously freaking out about it), and “I’m always going to be injured, something’s always going to keep me down”. And then because I clearly don’t feel shitty enough, I go and nom on things. It’s like I already feel weak and powerless so I act that way around food. URGH. But you’re right, it’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s something to recognize, face head on, and say, “no, actually? i AM better than this.” And the thing about that whole wanting to lose weight thing – who cares if I did, it still wouldn’t be “good enough”. that’s the one thing I know for sure about how my brain works. So you’re right, you just need to keep listening to your awesome self and telling your ex-boyfriend-ED to back off or you’re gonna get a restraining order.
Bahhh — this weekend is a chance to show who’s in charge. “If you hadn’t binged, you could go home for easter and eat turkey.” SHUT UP, Ed. I can do that anyways.
Ahhhh, Florida! You are going to have so much fun, and I guarantee you are going to be one of the fittest looking people there, even if you don’t feel it.
Thank you so much for the comment. The trick then for me is to not let the binge (or mini binge) or whatever drive my actions back to normal ed the next day (which is the point of counter ed, right?). I think I analyze too much, i.e. no one else int he world would consider all these voices in their head, I don’t think, and I often wonder if I just let myself go (not in a bad way), what would happen? I think that’s what FULL FULL FULL FULL FULL recovery is — just living. I want to be ready for that, but I am really doubtful..
anxiety has a knack for pushing us to the edge of the cliff, you held on, you were like, the musafa that lived. Huge props, that was a tiring battle I know it was and you won. I’m proud of you. New day, new bike ride with a new friend, same sun but you get to see it with different eyes this morning.
Love,
Mel
Ahhhh thank you mel. Thank you thank you thank you.
This is great… Although my experiences are more linked to everyone and anybody.. including ex’s but one thing for sure… just be yourself and keep on moving!
YES! I so know what you mean about counter ED! Even when I’m not hungry for a snack, I still eat one anyway just to prove to myself that I’m not restricting. Or when I’m eating with others who knew me during my ED, I’ll eat more than usual just to prove to THEM that I’m recovered.
Anyways, don’t let what happened yesterday bring you down today. Today is a new day to pick yourself up and move on!
End of the semester is always stressful! I am feeling the same. When I am studying I tend to go numerous trips to the kitchen, because I am trying to distract myself from studying.
(This is why I don’t study at home, but at Starbucks
)
But seriously, I always wonder after a binge why, because my mind was definitely set as full…
Like the others mentioned, tomorrow we can just smile and forget about yesterday! There is no turning back :]
Thanks…onward and upward