This morning I got all ready for school, excited even, and then headed up the hill to Brescia.
I made sure I had a good breakfast (cocoa oats with peanut butter and banana and egg whites) and the sun was shining.
Turns out my classmates and I were keeners and we only had afternoon class today.
I briefly thought about going for a blissful bike ride and was going to complain about having to teach spin and needing to save legs until I decided not to.
So instead I did what every girl in her right mind would do and went to the mall, where I proceeded to buy myself new shorts that fit (I had a tough time with this yesterday when my summer clothes–which are either a size too big or two too small so are not flattering and not serving me, really) and a bunch of cheap but cute bathing suits that I can mix and match with others in my closet.
I’m calling it back to school shopping and saying it was just plain necessary. To be honest, I have to say that it was needed. I was upset yesterday about going to the beach because I didn’t have anything to wear that fit comfortably, not because I didn’t want to be seen in shorts or a bathing suit. That’s new for me — even when the smaller stuff fit, I didn’t feel good. The picture from yesterday is one I actually love–and I take that as proof that this whole adjustment thing is actually happening. I honestly just needed clothes that make me feel comfortable. It’s not my body that I was upset over yesterday, it’s the fact that I didn’t have stuff to dress THIS body. And that made me feel wrong. And that’s not okay. Hence, those clothes aren’t serving me. And since I love shopping, buying new ones was easy as pie. I am not trying to brag, just to say that it does get easier to like your body. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops: I like how I look in a bathing suit! Weird tan lines, a little bit of pudge, strange bruises and all!
My eats today were random — an apple during shopping, a salad with carrots/sprouts/cherries/canned salmon for lunch that just didn’t do it for me. Blahhh. In fact it threw my stomach off.
After school finished, I met up with Andrew for a playground workout. It was kind of awesome to be swinging on monkey bars and playing in the sun, not to mention I haven’t run around like that in a while…
I was finally hungry after this workout so I had a quick dinner of a sandwich before heading to spin! The class was small but it was good nonetheless! Afterwards I went to the grocery store. Bad idea to shop when you’re tired. I think I took twice as long as normal! But if that’s the price I pay for having too much fun to go to the store this weekend then so be it.
When I got home, I immediately dove into the chocolate. I’m not going to lie, it might be subconscious stress over this summer school stuff/buying bigger clothes/being so happy (that sounds weird but it makes sense to me — though I’m reminding myself happy is where we are supposed to be)/the lack of an afternoon snack catching up with me, but I was kind of a chocolate monster tonight.
I gave up on the plain chocolate and decided to make it into a substantial/kind of more nutritious snack by adding in greek yogurt, cocoa, and coconut.
Success!
Well, with a home made coffee/cocoa concoction, success. I think I’m done with the chocolate for the night…
One thing I know: this isn’t a reason to beat myself up. It’s not a binge. It’s not proof that I’m out of control. It might be proof that I’m normal, in fact!
Anyways, as you can tell I’m getting delusional. And it’s another school night — so I think I’m heading to bed (if the sugar rush lets me sleep, that is).
How do you deal with chocolate cravings?
Do you like bathing suit shopping?
Have you ever realized you like your body and wanted to shout it from the rooftops?
PS – I added a new page with a bunch of inspirational cheese. Enjoy!
yayyy so glad that you were able to like what you see in the mirror! that’s a huge step and i’m so proud of you
Thank you! I feel like a new woman
That is so awesome that you were able to love your body! Despite the fact I’ve never met you in person, from the pictures on your blog, I can definitely assure you that you are gorgeous! And so is your school :O (SO jealous over here!). And your workout looks killer with those lunges! Gahh, I cannot stand lunges, but I love jumping jacks
!
Thank you so much!
I missed lunges when I was injured so I’m all about ‘em now!
Can I just say how awesome and inspiring it is that not only are you are going out and buying clothes that fit your current body – you’re ENJOYING it too?? If that’s not recovery I dunno what is!! I am struggling with this myself right now – a lot of my things fit strangely now – like, things fit but I don’t necessarily like how I look in them. I’ve already had to buy some new shorts and jeans to fit my new cyclist booty & thighs, and I’m okay with that, but trying to figure out what to do with my swimmer arms is a bit of a mindfuck. I’m still resisting shopping, because 1. I know things are going to change when I can run consistently again and 2. I really don’t have the money for a new wardrobe so there isn’t a lot of room to maneuver, but….who knows when I’ll be able to run consistently? and who knows what I’m gonna end up shaped like? If I buy new things now, will they still fit come august? baaaah. lol. But in any case, HUGE progress that your’e liking what you see in the mirror – and you should, because you looked HAWWT in that pic from yesterday!! And every girl 110% deserves to dress herself well and wear flattering things no matter what size she is – dressing well makes you feel good about yourself and who doesn’t enjoy feeling cute, right?
Thanks so much Kate!
My advice is this: I had similar concerns. And I say if you buy a few things that are staples (i.e. light shorts, dark shorts, khaki ones maybe) in your size now you’ll be much better off. And you can put them away when they are too big or too small in the future and pretend they don’t exist but they’ll be stylish/work since they’re staples years from now if you come back to them for whatever reason! I made sure the other stuff I bought was cheap (less than 20/each for those bathing suits), remembered that it takes quite a bit of weight to change a full size for me, and went for dresses earlier when I went shopping cuz they don’t come with such pressure to zipper
! As for your arms, I’d say go for tank tops and show them the heck off! I guarantee you there are people who are jealous of your body right now and would kill to shop to dress it! I know I thought you looked BOMB in Florida!
I get it, I get it, I get it, though! It’s not easy. But it does get easier! Life is now, right? You can’t be naked!
PS – I realized yesterday I need to go up ANOTHER size in shorts, but not in jeans. I think it has to do with the fact that jeans can be tight in my massive biking thighs but as soon as you do that with shorts the result is a whole lot of digging in and a whole lot of not hot! And for a second I was like, really?! Another size?! And then I was like – oh hey, check out how jacked my legs look from this angle instead.
This is most excellent advice!! You’re right, life IS now and as much as I’d love to walk around naked….not entirely approps hahaha. And I guess when I sit down and ask myself these tough questions, the reality is, if my body looked like this the rest of my life (like, If I never get any smaller), yeah I’d be 110% fine with that, because *gasp* I do actually like what I see in the mirror so why should I feel like I have to hide it? It was easy in the winter with yoga pants and running clothes, but um hiding your body just doesn’t work in the summer lol. and you’re right, dressing the body i have NOW is only going to make me feel better about it. I love your take on the shorts too!! I know I’ve had to go up a jeans size for my cyclist thighs, which was upsetting but then I put on shorts and I’m like hot damn look at my sick quads!! lol, so I can only imagine how sick your cycling thighs look!!
I like to play a little theme song and just go for it. Cycling thighs look better in shorts cuz the world knows what’s up when they see them, trust me!
Strong!
I love this and I love you! I’m so so so happy for you that you are happy with the way you look!
Also that’s really smart what you said about being upset because you don’t have clothes that fit, not because you’re unhappy with your body. I think I’m struggling with that too. I was trying to get dressed up to go out to dinner the other night and my skirt, which is too small, looked horrible on me and so I got upset. But if I had it in a bigger size, I know it would have looked great. I guess it’s time for me to go shopping too. 
Come visit me and be my shopping buddy?!?
Also that playground workout sounds like so much fun! I love switching it up like that every once in a while instead of just doing the same old gym workout or run.
I would LOVE to shop with you.
We need to plan that states shopping trip once you run out of your stash from your road trip, btw! 
Throw in some clothes shopping too http://www.thesomersetcollection.com/ 
Girl, I want that attitude! I love your approach to your body and shopping, two of the things I still find extremely hard to cope with. I just went through more clothes I wasn’t able to go through last year after treatment and threw away over two huge trash bags of things that I never will or never want to fit again. Feels so good! I hope I can approach this swim season with a little more compassion like you. I get those late night cravings as well – it is so hard to control them sometimes just because of past behaviors but I always try to be real about what is going on.
This post is beautiful!
I’m glad you can relate. And I bet you will find that happy spot–just remember that it’s definitely not about the weight. I NEVER would’ve said I liked my body (esp. in a bathing suit) a few summers ago even though I was at a lighter weight that I THOUGHT would make me happy. You make yourself happy, your weight doesn’t make you happy!
This post is so inspirational!
Thank you — I’m glad you liked it!
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