My life coaching session yesterday was awesome and got into some self esteem stuff that I’ve been thinking a lot about. When I feel anxious about the fall and about the fact that I’m NOT planning on jumping into something “conventional” or going back to school and coming out a “dietitian” or a “journalist” or a “[insert defined job title here]” I often get hung up on a couple of fears, which I think are rational in themselves but which I let run wild in my mind:

• how will I make enough money to support my lifestyle (read: froyo habits and cycling trip costs)?
• what if I’m a princess and no one will ever want to put up with my habits?
• what if I am young and naive and being really stupid?

In response, when I write them out like that, it seems simple enough:

• When you do what you love, you do a good job. When you do a good job and you provide a service (fitness instructing/coaching/etc.) or a good (a written article/blog/etc.) to someone, there’s value in that. The more you love it, the better you’ll be at it. The better you are at it, the more value you’re providing. When you think of it like this, so long as you’re out there doing things and giving it your best, it makes sense that you’ll be financially stable.
• I might be a princess, but no one is meant to be alone. The more I work on my self esteem, the more I realize that this thought that “I am meant to be alone” is a belief that I need to challenge — it sabotages me from having strong friendships, relationships, etc. and as stupid as it is, it’s there. Luckily I’ve recognized it and if I can make progress on this front, I am going to end up meeting people on my same wavelength (the awesome one) and someone is going to LOVE these weird habits and want to live this adventure with me! In the meantime, reminding myself of the cupcake example — you’re awesome without icing and don’t need it, but if you have it it’s great too! — is a nice comforting thought! 
  
• I might be young but I am far from naive. It doesn’t matter how old you are and if I’m feeling like older people are judging me as naive, that’s THEIR shit. If someone who is doing something conventional looks down on me, shame on them, NOT shame on me. Sometimes I sense some jealousy from people who might have settled into things but worrying about what other people think is just a waste of energy. I think there are less of these naysayers than I’d like to pretend and that the only real naysayer that matters is the one in my head, and luckily I can choose to think confident thoughts and to focus on the potential and the possibility for a life lived on purpose on another level instead of opting for a half-assed, security-seeking (translation: lame) existence.

While I’m on this really honest roll, I might as well throw in that I had a great conversation with my friend Sandy last night. She brought me tasty treats which started things off on a sweet note but I really have missed her and her company because she gets me and because I look up to her! We met in Foods and Nutrition and have spent many a day distracting each other from studying at Starbucks.

Anywho…we were talking about what’s important in life and I had to share with her something that I often think but really don’t say cuz it’s a little blunt and a little harsh. I think I might have said it before, but I’m going to die. You’re going to die. We’re all going to die. So whatever it is that you’re worrying about now — the size of your thighs, whether or not you can run 7 minute miles, how many calories are in that beer you want to have with that hot guy, whether you get straight As or not — does not really matter. That’s not to say you shouldn’t care and shouldn’t be concerned and strive to be your best, but seriously, your time is limited. Don’t waste any of your time on things that drain you. What if you chose to just focus on living more while you’re here? “Worry is a misuse of imagination.” is a good quote that helps me stay on track when I feel my mind racing. If it’s too morbid to think about dying, think about whether or not you’re gonna care about whatever is troubling you in 10 years. If the answer is no, make a decision, own it, and move on to something better and more fun. I had an oh man, isn’t that funny moment when I realized the new lululemon bags have a different manifesto on them than I remember from the old red ones. One of the quotes on it is “Visualize your eventual demise. It can have an amazing effect on how you live in this moment.” and another is “There perfect tombstone would read, ‘ALL USED UP’.” I think someone’s on the same page as me!

Know who else is on this page, or at least kind of? Amber from Go Kaleo. Gosh you should just follow her too so I don’t have to share her status every day but I can’t help it–she’s saying that I try to say but oh so eloquently!

Anyways, back to the life coach session and those fears. A lot of them come from being scared that I won’t know how. And this comes up elsewhere. I’m worried that I won’t know HOW to be a freelance writer, a fitness professional, recovered, etc. News flash: I am all those things. I have a great portfolio. I have been a fitness instructor/personal trainer for almost 5 years. I am recovered and I taught myself how to live without my ED one day at a time.

I guess what I’m getting at here is that as recovery has gone on, I’ve realized that the same issues that drove my eating disorder are the ones that threaten to hold me at mediocrity and averageness. And they’re the ones that it’s time for me to work on now that I know how to take the focus off of food and my weight. So work on them I am.

Starting today by giving myself props for the things that I’ve already learned how to do.

• eat to live instead of live to eat, which meant froyo and friends last night (instead of beers, but it’s all fun and all about quality time) and a big breakfast this morning to fuel my double dose of spin

• teach killer spin classes: one girl who I recognized from the Campus Rec gym said “You were my favourite at Western, Cheryl!” when I introduced myself as a sub for the regular instructor (scroll down for today’s playlist!)
• freelance: there are two messages in my inbox for sources for my next article. I AM a writer and I CAN figure this out.

Basically, we aren’t born knowing how to do everything. Isn’t that simple to say but hard to believe?

Note to self: You didn’t come out of the womb knowing how to make a living…so stop being so scared of the fact that you don’t know how and instead believe that you will learn how to do everything that you need to to thrive. You’ve learned how to do a million and one things: tie your shoes, change your flat tire, write an article, pitch a story, interview people, teach a spin class, lead a bootcamp, cook and feed yourself — why should this be any different?

I like this quote from Nathaniel Branden, whose book “The Six Pillars of Self Esteem” Dr. Kreso talked about on one of the Life By Design podcasts:

“In a world in which the total of human knowledge is doubling about every ten years, our security can rest only on our ability to learn.”

It’s so true. The anxiety I have about not knowing how to do things is calmed down when I realize that I’m a really good learner (haha, and apparently a GREAT writer !)…and that feels good!

Theme song for the day:

Now it’s time for my playlist…

warmup/easy spinning to get to a flat road

Some Nights – Fun

It’s Time – Imagine Dragons

warming up/reviewing positions (seated, standing, climbing)

Warrior – Kimbra

seated climb adding tension til you need to life

Burn it Down – Linkin Park

standing climb

Want U Back – Cher Lloyd

rolling hills (1 minute up/1 minute down x 3) 

No Beef - Steve Aoki & Afrojack ft. Miss Palmer

sprint pyramid

Rolling in the Deep (remix) – Adele (dBerrie)

endurance ride (on the edge of comfort/aerobic zone)

Turn it Down (remix) – Kaskade – (Le Castle Vania)

single leg drills (or recovery)

Whistle – Flo Rida

climb with runs/passing on chorus

Payphone – Maroon 5

climb with building up from 7/10 up to max tension

Firework (remix) – Katy Perry (Fred Falke Club)

sprints to the finish

Blow Me One Last Kiss – Pink

cooldown / stretch

Run – Matt Nathanson ft. Sugarland

Skyscraper – Demi Lovato

 

…and now it’s time for lunch! Have an awesome hump day.