It’s another sunny day in the mountains so even though they’re calling for rain–and today’s the first day of my journey by bicyclette–I’m going with sunny skies all the way. A 40% chance of storms is a 60% chance of sun, right?
Yesterday continued on the awesome train with a really great game of golf. I may have lost and my family may have hidden the scorecard and forbidden me from posting a photo of it, but I think it was MY best game. I flubbed a few holes, lost a ball or two, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. Maybe it was the new outfit I got, or the cute boy in the pro shop (road cyclist, kin student, curly hair, blue eyes…it must be the altitude or something, but gee whiz why is every boy so wonderfully cute out here?), or the cloudless sky, or the mountain views, or the ceasars, or the fact that I am not good enough at golf to get worked up over how well I’m playing…
After our golf game, we had a seriously delicious dinner (and more ceasars) at the restaurant at the golf course. What a delicious surprise — they made me the tastiest salad ever and I managed to get myself a veggie tray to start things off (cuz I was on the verge of hangry, but luckily I was also tipsy so it wasn’t in full effect! — there’s veggies in ceasars, right !).
The drive back to Banff was also a beauty. I hitched a ride with my dad’s friend in his little BMW convertible. No complaints here.
When I got home, I got my stuff organized for tomorrow. And I dove into the chocolate, even after my post the other day about how I want to stop with this habit. Which made me cranky, frustrated, and anything but happy. Hmmph.
So I did what any girl should an dwould do — I journalled! My butt off…
And awoke with some newfound insight into this whole situation.
So here goes…
I liked this part of an article I came across on Forbes:
“We analyze, inspect and dissect, often to the point of total obliteration, having disregarded the original totality of whatever it was we were assessing in the first place. It makes us feel sharp, intelligent, and savvy to see the pieces as we think they are, to lay them out in front of us, to know the details and the deviations.
The mind can be beautiful, and it can be torturous too.”
I was going to share some of the insights I wrote about in my journal, but I realized they’re just insight and at first, were largely focused on the wrong issue–the chocolate, the overeating, whatever.
While I know that there’s that element of self-sabotage in it because I wrote about this earlier in the week (and I’m glad some of you connected with it), when I thought about adding some accountability into my blog, I realized that all that would be doing is making a bigger issue out of something pretty friggin’ small.
In reality, let’s say I ate two servings of chocolate covered almonds last night. Let’s say I did that every day for this week. Let’s say I didn’t need that food at all–totally extra energy. That’s not even 1 pound of body weight–I did the math. It’s all hypothetical, but that’s just to put it into perspective: big freaking whoop. Side note: if I do gain a pound, can I send it to my boobs? I think I’d be a-okay with that!
Another thought: if I’m doing this every day and not ballooning, maybe I need those calories. Back to some of the stuff I tackled in recovery, it’s scary to admit that and to add it in in the form of real food. And to add to this, I feel like I’m stepping back. Since when did I think about calories? About whether or not I’m eating enough? I’m loving the intuitive eating, eating more real foods approach and the focus on eating foods that make me healthier as much as possible.
Focusing on the positive — all the good food I want to take in to nourish myself through these bike rides and through this trip and all the delicious stuff I get to eat and all the experiences I get to have that have abso-freakling-lutely nothing about food = a good goal. Letting the rest of it take care of itself is the next step.
Making this a problem makes me wrong, somehow. Making me wrong takes me back to a place where I don’t like myself. And that place is NOT one where I want to hang out, because it doesn’t feel good and it’s certainly not conducive to any kind of lasting change. Seriously, since when did hating yourself set you up for success? Look at it this way, if you were coaching someone, would yelling at them work? All it does is reinforce that you’re bad. The truth is, we need to feel good and empowered. And for me, I need to realize that just being aware of the fact that I’m emotionally eating because I’m anxious or nervous is the gift here. Next step? Channel that anxiety into something besides chocolate. In the meantime, accept that maybe this is what I need to do to comfort myself and be okay with it. It’s stupid, it’s hard, but you’ve got to be okay with where you are if you want to be any better. If you don’t like yourself enough where you’re at, you’re not going to be any better off if you keep the same mindset and just change your behaviour. It’s less about what you’re doing and more about how you’re doing it, in my opinion…
Anyways, before I get too off track.
Letting go is hard, but it’s freeing. Accepting yourself as you are opens up the door for change. Or not. You need to accept that maybe this is what’s meant to be, and that’s okay. And when that’s okay, you stop focusing on what you’re doing as a problem and you are allowed to be more awesome. Shifting your thoughts from problem-based thinking to empowered thinking makes all the difference–I’ve learned that elsewhere and it’s just a matter of applying it here!
But just because letting go and making this shift is hard doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, right? I’m not going to lie — biking up mountains is going to be hard too, but you don’t see me shying down from that! Challenges are what makes life interesting, meaningful, and all that jazz.
…you know what I’ve realized? Coming home from a trip feeling “fat” or actually gaining a pound or two is maybe not ideal. But missing out on a truly amazing trip is certainly far worse than having to loosen my belt a little.
The honest truth? I probably won’t have to. What you focus on, you give power. If I can shift my thinking from “Oh my god I shouldn’t be eating this” (which only drives me to feel worse and to keep doing it) to “What can I do instead to comfort myself?” or just noticing and accepting that a girl wants some chocolate (or wahtever), I bet I’ll back off and a few chocolate covered almonds (or whatever) will be spared.
One more thought: if this was about chocolate, I’d just get rid of it. Throw it away. Control my environment. But this is about figuring out more than that.
And I think I’m seeing the bigger power here already…
Just like at the end of the trip I would rather have kick ass memories and feel chubby (I realize this is delusional, but you know what I mean) or have gained a few pounds, at the end of my life I don’t want to waste any more time focusing on these self-imposed “issues”. Life is a hell of a lot bigger than this…
It’s not an issue unless you make it an issue. The problem isn’t that I emotionally eat, it’s that I beat myself up for it. The problem isn’t that you aren’t at your ideal weight, it’s that you won’t let yourself live fully the way you are. The problem isn’t that you’re single, it’s that you think being single is bad.
Summary: Stop making mountains out of molehills. Accept yourself exactly as you are even as you aim to be “better” and the best you can be. Live more, worry less. Treat yourself like you deserve all the good in the world.
…there’s a reason I have “embrace life” tattooed on my foot. I’m going to go do that…
Day 1, here we go!
What’s an “issue” you could just let go of?
Have you ever gone on a really life-changing trip?