Well hi there.

Update: my bike is still in the box, I’m half unpacked, and I feel like I’ve had a mini quarter life crisis in the last two days.

Luckily, I’ve had friends to help cheer me up, spark some important insight, and a session with my life coach yesterday to kind of get me back on track.

That being said, I’ve noticed my eating has been a bit anxious/rushed/distracted.

In photos, healthy-ish things. It’s the manner in which I’ve eaten them, the way I’ve felt bloated and uncomfortable after, and the picking in between these meals that gets to me.

And then I get back to this: what’s really bugging you? 

For a while now, I’ve been able to see that this kind of eating behaviour is a blessing and a signal because it lets me know that something is out of whack. This time though, I know what’s out of whack — I am worried about a whole host of things but the reason I’m worried comes down to one thing: I’m scared. 

And I had a big realization about fear: it’s OKAY. It’s NORMAL. It’s even good, if you use it in the right way.

I’m going to do my best to sum up what I’m thinking/where my head is at — I had a good little journalling session over my morning Starbucks today.

Every epiphany needs a quote to go along with it, right? This one sums up what I’m feeling:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear in that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?”
-Marianne Williamson

• I have absolutely no problem airing out my issues. I don’t hold back when it comes to admitting that I overeat between meals, that I feel like a hypocrite for eating froyo for dinner, that I can’t seem to stop self-sabotage, and that I am struggling in general. But I do have a problem sometimes talking about how AWESOME things are — how lucky I am to have friends to go to the movies with last night, how I am learning to absolutely appreciate and love my body, or about the dreams I have for myself (writing a book? being a guest on the Today Show?).
• I don’t want to live small. I think I know deep down that we are powerful beyond measure. I know that I am not meant to do something small — I don’t want to just be a trainer or a coach or just have a career, even if it’s something fulfilling. I want to be a leader and I want to be a source of inspiration. When you’ve been led and when you have been inspired, I think it’s natural to want to pass that on. 
  
• I had a big moment yesterday when my life coach asked me: “What if you were successful?” … I was actually floored because I never took the time to think about my dreams coming true. Instead, I might have defined that purpose, those dreams, etc. but I never really saw myself achieving them. Instead, I drew up this grand vision of me being an awesome inspiring lifestyle leader and then named all the reasons I couldn’t do it: I’m getting too fat, I don’t know enough, I haven’t been doing it for long enough, I’m too much of a loner, I’m too young, etc. etc. etc.  I never thought of all the reasons why I already AM successful or of all the ways in which I could assure myself that I’m going to be successful: I’m too smart to stand in my own way, I refuse to give up, I’m awesome at learning, I know what I want and I know that I deserve it, I’ve learned too much and seen how great it is to be recovered to go back to ED, I know that my default is healthy, fit, and happy, I know we’re all meant to be strong and awesome.

So…what if I was successful? What if I didn’t pick at dried fruit 12091029x a day? This would open up my energy for more things that matter. Isn’t that awesome? What if I didn’t get fat from not doing cardio on purpose and I exercised intuitively?  What if I did this crossfit certification and realized I got it right and found something that agreed with my philosophy? What if I was “good enough” to be a part of what my pals at Life By Design are doing? What if I stopped worrying about the things that could go wrong and started thinking about the things that could go right? What if instead of naming 12091021 back up plans, I focused on defining my plan A in detail and then outlining how I’m going to get there — make it real and make it feel achievable and all of those good, empowering things based on trusting that I deserve all that good instead of doubting that this is real. What if I started picturing myself as that strong and happy and healthy girl with all the good in the world — and gave that image some detail?  I know one thing — the first step to getting there is deciding where “there” is.

I didn’t get this when people explained it to me earlier, but now it makes sense. How do you move towards something that doesn’t exist? If someone said to me, “I want to be healthy” I would immediately ask them “what’s healthy?” but I never really applied this to myself. Amen for becoming more conscious and thank god I have people and books and blogs to drive this idea home and make me realize that I’ve got some defining to do. I don’t think I was ready for this ’til now…when I wasn’t sure I deserved all of the good in the world, how could I realistically see myself achieving something awesome? First step before the first step was deciding that I AM worth it. NOW it’s time for step 1: defining what “it” is. Step 2: action plan. Step 3: follow through, with readjustments and check-ins along the way. Simple…though not necessarily easy!

Another quote:

I’ve mentioned before that I hate the word “should” — catch yourself saying that you “should” do a workout? I’d skip it. “Should” be doing something else besides reading my blog? Maybe, but maybe you need a break and maybe it makes me feel good when I get comments so finish up and put one together — jk! But seriously, I have this grand idea that if we did what we really wanted, we’d be happy. Plain and simple. Apply it to exercise: you might spend less time at the gym, but you might play more frisbee with your friends. You’d probably end up running around and jumping and moving your body in natural ways — and I think you’d probably be happier for it. Ditto for food: I know it’s scary to think what you might eat if you “let yourself go” but trust me — I’ve been there. I think I ate all junk food all the time for a few days before I realized that that’s a recipe for feeling like shit. Our bodies want to be healthy and to feel good.

…and now for a big one: doing what I really want also means not doing what I don’t really want. Confusing I know, but in other words, I’m trying to sort out what I’m doing because I think I should and what I’m doing because I really want to. Going back to Brescia because it’s safe and sound? That’s a should–and I’m not doing it. But going into holistic nutrition, which is a fine and dandy program (just like the one at Brescia) because it means I’ll have some letters after my name and something on my agenda for a year or two to make me feel like I’m still “in transition” or still have “an excuse” is another should that wasn’t so easy for me to identify–but identify it I did.

It comes back to my fav mantra from Your Kick Ass Life:

“If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.”

Or to another fav:

Some more accompanying cheese:

My job now is to let this all sink in. I’m avoiding rushing into anything (instead of avoiding unpacking?) and am taking things one step at a time. My job is to stay conscious and aware and to listen to my body and my heart — I know the feeling of being “off” and I know that it’s an indication that I need to get back to the core of things. I’m not silly enough to think that signing up for a course or going on some diet is going to solve my problems — solving my problems (the big stuff–self esteem, belief, etc.) is going to help me deal with all those comparatively small issues like my relationships, my diet, my spending.

I hope all of this made some kind of sense — but to be honest, it worked for me so it’s been a successful post in my eyes. 

How do you know when something’s wrong? Are there things that indicate that you need to slow down and check in?
What quote sums up where you’re at right now?
What does success look like for you?