“Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are.”
I love waking up early on a Saturday and feeling like I have all the time in the world. Stores aren’t open, laundry this early is illegal, the gym’s not open yet, it’s still kind of dark out so bike rides and runs can wait…bliss!
Yesterday we were up at the butt crack of dawn to hit the road. We made plenty of pit stops, got stuck in a lineup at the border, and listened to way too much Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert. I’m in a country mood, what can I say?
Once we got home, I
unpacked right away just like I always do abandoned my crap and went to yoga. I was ravenous so I had a snack before hand to tide me over.
The class was amaze-balls and oh so sweaty. I was sore from my park workouts and wiped from getting only 5 hours of sleep so yoga was the perfect way to move without tiring myself out too too much.
Afterwards, I was peer pressured (twist my arm, guys) into froyo.
I guess froyo for dinner doesn’t really make sense. Imagine that — fictional food for a meal left me really hungry. I had some tuna when I got home later on in the night after I visited with some other friends, but that didn’t do it. I was a bit on a rampage and I had chocolate, a granola bar, and some nuts too. You know what I shoulda done? Had dinnner. You know what I realized? I was in a prime spot to binge: overtired, kind of stressed, hungry, and on a sugar high. Oh, and I sort of skipped dinner.
For all the times I’ve been exactly where I was last night and have gone down a different road, I felt different last night. I realized what I was doing and I put a stop to it, sat down and told myself to get real. I didn’t do anything terrible or eat so much that I’m a house this morning. I didn’t deserve to make myself feel bad — I needed to check in and see what was up. Verdict: I’m not a failure. I set myself up for anything but success and I took a detour on the way to becoming even more awesome. I got to see something–this morning my stomach feels funny, etc.–and learn something along the way.
Realization: I don’t need to keep junk food around to prove anything any more. I think using the “I’m not recovered if I decide that I don’t like to have chocolate and candy and whatever in my house” was just a way to justify eating the stuff. New thought: “I’m recovered.” Plain and simple. And not just that: “I’m awesome.”
Without going on too much of a ramble here, I don’t think eating junk food is really a sign of recovery any more. I think being able to find a healthy balance and valuing yourself enough to feed yourself well–with real food that fuels and energizes and makes you better–shows recovery. Going out for ice cream with my friends–sure! Props to me for that! But eating junk food alone at home on a regular basis? That’s different…and I’m finally ready to own that realization.
I think figuring out how to eat, what to eat, where to eat it, etc. takes a long time and I don’t think you can listen to someone else tell you how to do it. We all come from a different place–some of us were overweight, some of us were underweight, some of us thought french fries were veggies, etc. etc. One thing I think is the same for all of us is that it takes patience to change anything. It also takes real motivation that comes from inside. I don’t think you can change what you eat because someone else tells you to–a book, a guru, a friend. For me, it takes getting frustrated or learning from mistakes and experience OR from trying something and feeling really good and deciding to do more of that. As with anything, if you’re not willing to experiment and to risk failure, I don’t think you’ll ever realize great success. So all these big (my vegetarian stint, my dances with ED, etc.) and little (last night’s borderline binge, etc.) “mistakes” have taught me things and have put me in a great place since I’ve paid attention and learned from them.
Anyways, now that I’ve sorted that out in my mind and had my morning coffee, I’m going to head to the gym! I’ve got plans to do a little crazy 8s workout and then a great day ahead: Angela and I are having a girl’s day (market, shopping, vision boards, saving the world?), we’re going to celebrate a birthday tonight, and I’m home sweet home! That in itself is making me happy.
Has your idea of recovered changed?
What are you doing with your Saturday?
Have you given up emotional eating? How?
PS: Here’s that sheep picture! Baahhhhhhhhhhh…