I’d be lying if I said today was a breeze.
Since I don’t lie, I won’t pretend that today wasn’t sad, emotional, and everything that it needs to be.
I snuck away from my grandma’s this morning while my family slept in. I crashed hard around midnight (after reading and trying to distract myself a bit) last night but they were up until at least 3:00am moving around. I’d googled CrossFit gyms around here when we visited last month. There is one in a town not too far from here so when I was up this morning with no one to talk to and pretty much nothing to do, I decided what the hell.
I made it to CrossFit Lewisburg’s 8:30am class this morning. I didn’t know what to expect, but I got a treat: a small box with a friendly staff and a fun group of people to sweat with/take my mind off of things.
We did a pretty standard kind of class–some mobility, skill work (I got to show off my hard work at West London CrossFit/share some of my coach’s tips and attempt handstand pushups with some success), and then a WOD: 7 rounds of 12 hand release pushups, 6 pullups, and 3 clean and jerks. I hit my knees after the first two rounds on the pushups. I started with a green band and went to blue after three. And I just used the bar after getting seriously confused with my practice lifts. I figured for conditioning/learning’s sake, I’d rather not make an ass of myself. So I finished the rounds in 14:14, just under the 15 minute cap.
All in all, I had fun! I’ll definitely go back. The gym was small but it had a high roof, which means there’s a rope to be climbed that’s even bigger than ours..
The afternoon was filled with family things. My family is not really one to sit around/talk/deal, so everyone went out and about for the afternoon before my grandma’s private visitation. My sister, her husband, and I went to Target (where else?!) after breakfast.
I didn’t buy anything too exciting at Target. I did grab snacks–rice cakes and turkey jerky that ended up being my lunch. Where’d that bag of turkey go? Nobody knows…
I was also amused by the Christmas decorations in Target. I love that stuff’s out and about. 70 days, if my math is right…10 weeks…ho ho ho!
The visitation was the hard part of the day. I don’t hold it together well–I’m a crier–and it’s hard for me to see my family upset. That being said, the flowers, the funeral home, the photos–everything that could be beautiful–was set up perfectly.
My grandma was a joker so I know she’d appreciate me sharing this photo…
As well as a little more formal option…
There are lots of things I’m going to miss about her. I sat and remembered a whole bunch of good memories–sleeping over at her house, making perogies with her, playing my violin for her, going to see Phantom of the Opera with her, dreaming up opening a restaurant with her, covering literally anything and everything in her house with glitter and/or shiny rub-on paint, spending Christmas Eve with her, etc. etc. and I cried. And I think I needed that.
This quote came to mind:
Working on it.
When things wrapped up, we had more family time. We killed some time, ate some candy, and visited the ponies that live pretty much backyard before a friend of the family’s brought a serious ham dinner over.
I made myself a big bowl of kale with a hefty helping of the ham and an apple. I also had some scalloped potatoes on the side–and more ham. I was stuffed!
After dinner, there was more shopping. Like I said, I’m not the only one in my family who tends towards “busy”…I went with it. My mom, sister, brother-in-law and I didn’t really buy anything. That’s good–I didn’t really need anything.
When we got home, everyone seemed to have dessert. I felt a little icky from all the chocolate and candy I’d been eating throughout the day, but I served myself a bowl of ice cream. I was feeling a little sorry for myself, a little frustrated with everything, and guilty over the candy. As soon as I sat down, I had a text checking in on me. That’s when I knew I was being silly.
I put the ice cream in the freezer (after eating the chocolate off of it, naturally) and remembered that feeling guilty can’t actually be fixed by eating more.
I’d be lying–and remember, I don’t lie–if I didn’t admit that I ate more than a few handfuls of chocolate this evening.
But remembering in the midst of what would have certainly gone further in the past that it’s not about the food and that food is not the answer is a worth sharing. And realizing that being “down” or upset or emotional–and trying to cope using food, my formerly preferred method of coping with anything and everything–is okay and in order right now is a good thing, especially when I can try to cope in new ways (blogging, journalling, reading, etc.). So another hard thing is feeling like a broken record and commenting on something like emotional eating AGAIN. The truth is, beating myself up will never ever make me more readily able to deal with the things that drive me to binge or overeat…but trusting that since today I was able to cut things off earlier than before, I’m moving in the right direction, will! And that’s empowering.
Tomorrow will be another tough day–the public visitation and the funeral are in the afternoon and then we have a family dinner. We’re home on Thursday so I know it’s important to be fully here, grieve, and support my family but blogging’s a nice break and way to check in.
I hope Ontario’s not too lonely without me !