You are not your goals

Posted on March 10, 2013 by Cheryl Madliger

A few years ago, I walked into an interview for a job at lululemon with a binder full of my old goals and a host of sheets covered in inspirational quotes that rocked the management’s socks and totally made me an easy hire for the job. The goal setting aspect of my job at lululemon was easy peasy.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been setting goals, mostly health- or weight-related. Earlier this year, I set an aggressive set of goals for myself based on themes for the month—an idea I borrowed from a great dharma class I went to.

Two weeks ago, I went to my first training weekend with the Coaches Training Institute. If I tried to sum the experience up in a blog, I’d do it about 10% justice. It was inspiring, challenging, exciting, awesome…and a slap in the face. I’d dare say it inspired a game changer for me.

Let me elaborate (cue: word vomit).

If you’re unfamiliar with coactive coaching, one of the cornerstones of the model is that people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.

Doesn’t that make you feel good? Keep it in mind…I’ll come back to it.

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of being coached 1:1 by Christie Inge (as a side note, if you’ve struggled with emotional eating or are on the diet rollercoaster and are ready to jump off, check out her work). During our session, she said something that has absolutely stuck with me: “All roads lead to self worth.”

We were talking about how I spend a lot of time doing things to better myself: reading blogs, perusing the self-help section of the book store, setting goals. I can remember on my first call with Jennifer, my life coach, talking about how I was ready to set goals for myself and to be better. Since I had decided not to go to grad school and no longer felt like I needed to spend time working with a therapist on my eating disorder, I wanted something else to work towards to keep me moving forwards. Since then, I’ve spent a grand total of zero sessions with Jennifer working on my goals (we focus on things like emotions, thoughts, and beliefs).

The game changer?

I’m already good enough.

We’re all already good enough.

We’re all already whole.

Christie ran a coaching group that I was part of and repeated an idea over and over again: “You are inherently worthy.” Not working for you? What about, “Your worth is inherent.”

That’s music to my obsessive goal-setting ears.

You mean I don’t have to set goals to prove my self worth?

My old goals were often about things I wanted to fix—my weight, my eating, my spending. They were also filled with sexy goals I set because I thought they sounded impressive—running a marathon, being a certain weight, reaching a certain level of education.

Case in point: my goals were not serving me. Ironically, the goal setting that I thought would bring me forwards and “make me better” was actually holding me back, sending me a message that I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I’d be worthy if I achieved them. I thought people without goals were crazy, lazy, and less than.

But…people are naturally creative, resourceful and whole.

Consider for a second the difference between living from a place of feeling unworthy and not good enough versus living from a place of worthiness. Believing that you are already good enough = self-esteem. Self-esteem is that handy dandy ingredient that makes all things possible and that when lacking, makes the simplest of things seem impossible.

A life coach is not a goal coach.

It’s ironic that I sought out a life coach trying to find a way to make myself good enough. What’s happened is that I’ve come to recognize that at my core, I am good enough.

You are too!

So what’s an avid goal setter to do? Abandon all hopes of Rx’d Frans and other fun?

I think there’s a happy medium, and to find it I want to come back to that dharma idea I mentioned early on ~~during this endless post~~.

All hokey-/woo woo-ness aside, dharma’s got nothing to do with achievement and everything to do with a state of being. What if our goals took on a similar kind of “being” aim instead of becoming to-do lists on steroids?

My strategy and my advice to anyone sitting down with the goal of setting goals:

Set goals that match your values. Anytime you do things that clash with your values, even if they’re super sexy and impressive, you’re going to be worse off.
Set goals intended to create more of what you’d like in your life. Stop wasting your time and energy on using goals as a way to “fix” yourself.

Questions to start with:

What do you want to create in your life? Set goals based on what you want to move towards, not on what you want to move away from. Stop thinking of ways to fix yourself; focus on ways to create your life.
What is your vision for yourself? You are going to move towards your goals–figure out where you want to head and make them match that picture.

When you write your goals, try to ignore what other people’s goals are or what you think you should do. Running a marathon’s an awesome goal—if you want to run a marathon. If you hate running, it’s a terrible goal. Getting into grad school is great—if you want to go to grad school. If it’s your parents who want you to go to grad school, it’s one of those ones I’d leave off the list. Catch my drift?

All the while, keep in mind that you are already phenomenal. From that place, set goals that stretch you and move you beyond where you’re at. Goals that make your life amazing, inspiring, and fulfilling for you.

Remember to avoid the to-do list on steroids temptation and to get into the big, scary, territory where you give yourself butterflies. This is where “your wildest dreams” are totally appropriate and welcome. What would you do if you couldn’t fail? Who would you be? How would you feel?

Example: I want to write a book that makes it onto the best sellers list. This matches up with my value of contribution. I want that book to be about health, another value. When I think about it, it makes me want to pee my pants–excitement and fear, two indications that I’m dreaming big and in the realm of the things that make my heart sing.

Get it?

Got it?

Go set some goals, kiddos.

Friendly reminder…

PS: You have permission to change your goals. At any time. In a year. In three months. Or five minutes.

Getting on with my goals

Posted on January 14, 2013 by Cheryl Madliger

Goal setting, especially in January, is sexy stuff.

Last week I blogged about how I really felt like my goals were coming together after much struggle and stress. Every day I’ve “meant” to share my goals, but every day I’ve got roadblocked by the fear of sharing them and things not coming out perfect. I’ve brainstormed fancy ways to set up monthly posts and pages on my blog, I’ve worried about what people will think, I’ve hummed and ha-d my way to here.

The same thing is happening for me when it comes to sharing my goals with a group that I joined for a little extra coaching, inspiration, and accountability. If you’re an avid reader, you’ll know I have a serious girl crush on Andrea Owen. When I saw that she had a group starting up this month, I decided that this was most definitely a “HELL YES!” (something I learned from her!) and signed myself up. I want to make 2013 a kick ass year (obvs!), I want to learn as much as I can from her (I think having role models in what you’re doing is huge and she actually did the CTI program that I’m doing this year), and I’ve never done an online group but it’s something I’m considering could be part of what I do in the future…so win win win win win win!

Anyways, I’ve been following along with the group but it’s like I’m scared to introduce myself because I want to sum up exactly who I am and what I want to do perfectly or not at all.

Sounds familiar, right?

This reminder comes in handy today:

So, here come my goals in somewhat rough form. No instagrammed photos of how I am posting them as a reminder in my bedroom or fancy pants explanations for now. Just a word document–at least it’s colour coded!

FYI, I started with a theme for the year–GAME CHANGER–and some reminders that came up when I started to get real about setting my goals for the year. After that, I set goals based on a theme for each month–things that I want to feel or achieve during that period of time. For me, knowing that something is going to happen for me down the road takes some of the pressure off (i.e. when I look at my messy files but remind myself that it’s on my priority list for February, I can close the drawer without feeling like I’m procrastinating). At the end came some other stuff that I honestly didn’t know where else to include. Imperfection is wonderful.

Game Changer 2013 (pdf)

And that’s that!

It’s out there!

It’s messy!

It’s wonderful!

What are your goals for 2013?
Have you ever been part of an online coaching group?
Who’s your favourite life coach?
Do you have any themes for the year?

Shit fit on a Sunday

Posted on January 13, 2013 by Cheryl Madliger

Something about Sunday says slow down, take care of yourself, and smile. Today’s post is a combo of one that I’ve been meaning to share for a while and a bit of an epiphany I had the other night.

I have been uber busy over the last month—working lots of hours at lululemon, moving, celebrating the holidays, starting my new jobs, etc. I felt like I was a bit out of control.

This week, I had what I’m going to lovingly refer to as a shit fit.

I almost feel guilty for saying that—with all of the amazing things happening for me, with all of the exciting things in store for 2013, with all of the awesome people in my life right now I have a sense that I’m letting everyone down by not adjusting instantly to all of these things.

But adjusting to these good things takes just that: adjusting.

Last year, a game changer for me was the realization that I deserve all the good in the world. A game changer, in my books, is a transformation in the way we think about ourselves or about the world. They’re not easy to come to, they can’t be forced, and they shake things the you know what up.

This week’s game changer?

I am enough. I am strong enough, smart enough, healthy enough, beautiful enough, powerful enough, wonderful enough—without conditions. Without a schedule that’s packed to the max, without a hugely successful career, without a book deal, without a perfect body, without a 300lb deadlift, without a boyfriend—right now.

My life coach, in response to the fancy pants list of goals I put together for 2013 (they’re in themes for each month, colour coded, and awesome), raised a question about how I’d be taking care of myself this year. That threw me off because I didn’t really include that kind of thing on my goals. She knows a lot about me and hears all my low points so I think she was onto something.
As of late, I’ve been feeling tired. I mentioned being tired and wired—the post I’ve been meaning to share.

In terms of my health, I think I’ve made some pretty awesome steps in the right direction last year. I think I’ve learned a lot, made some big steps in terms of kicking my eating disorder to the curb for good, and have started to take more responsibility for setting myself up to be healthy. But along with that has come some pretty big realizations.

When I caught a cold last week and had to take some time off of the gym, I stumbled onto an “aha!” moment. I was joking about how the week was probably the first one I’d taken “off” since 2007. That’s no joke, though. From cardio queen to CrossFit junkie, I replaced one obsession with another. Sure, lifting weights and shortening my workouts might have been a step in the right direction, but overdoing it is overdoing it.

You might remember that I’ve been seriously cutting back on my coffee intake. That was another “holy shit” epiphany in the making. When I didn’t have a constant drip of caffeine, I was forced to feel just how tired I really am. Without caffeine to give me false energy, it occurred to me just how much I’m trying to cram into my days.

A final “oh man” realization came when I was listening to a Chris Kresser podcast over the holidays. He was talking about his own struggles with adrenal fatigue and he was also talking about the conventional approach of managing symptoms. Literally the next day after hearing his talk, I heard some of my friends who have had their thyroids removed talking about their thyroid hormone dosages. I put two and two together when I realized that I’m managing a symptom: I started taking thyroid hormone when I was in university. For a while, I’ve wondered whether or not my low levels were something I did to myself via undereating and overexercising when I first dabbled in my eating disorder and compulsive exercising.

I’ve said before that I won’t take birth control pills to deal with my missing periods. I don’t want a band-aid or a way to manage a symptom—I want to know what’s up, I want to fix it, and I want my body to work.

The same thing applies to the thyroid situation, which I think is probably symptomatic of a larger issue.

…I’m tired and wired.

After some humming and ha-ing over what to do—Do I really need a diagnosis? I already know what the issue is—and the answer!—I decided to make an appointment with a naturopathic doctor in London who I’m hoping can help me look at my lifestyle and where I’m at and can support me in what I want to do: move towards health.

Back to the shit fit.

The other night was an absolute low point for me: I binged, I cried, and I said some mean things to myself.

The other night was also an absolute turning point for me: I cried, I talked to a friend, and I got real with myself.

I may have fallen, but I fell forward. I may have made a mistake, but mistakes are lessons.

Along with the idea of needing to get to the root of why I struggle with my hormones (my thyroid, my periods, my migraines, my acne, etc.), more came up for me with that game changer I mentioned earlier.

I am enough.

I think sometimes I cram thing after thing into my life to try to prove that I’m doing enough.

I think sometimes I cram thing after thing into my mouth in an attempt to get enough.

I think sometimes I buy thing after thing to prove that there is enough.

The answer, for me, is not doing more. It’s not adding more goals to my list, more lines on my resume, or more things to my apartment. It’s learning that there is plenty to go around—and there always will be. It’s a question of scarcity and abundance and it’s a question of my self esteem. It’s being okay with myself where I’m at all the while wanting to move forward. It’s setting priorities and deciding what matters to me and what’s just fluff. It’s giving myself permission to do less and to be awesome. It’s letting other people run around their whole lives and never stop to smell the roses and it’s leading by example, slowing down and doing only the things that really bring me joy. It’s reminding myself that I will never be done my to do list—and that’s okay! It’s reminding myself that life is now, the laundry will still be there tomorrow, and that there’s a difference between being lazy and choosing to rest. My life coach also asked me how I take care of myself on a regular basis. She suggested that maybe the reason I turn to chocolate so much is something deeper. I’ve been thinking about it and maybe all of this–not just eating, not just being busy, but thinking that I need to fix something about myself or not believing that I’m already awesome–is what I need to worry about. Maybe the way I’ve taken care of myself in the past is to eat. Maybe the way I’ve achieved a sense of control in my life previously is to turn to compulsions. Those kinds of realizations are big, especially since there’s another option. I am fully capable of taking care of myself in other ways. I am as in control as I need to be of everything that matters. I am capable of anything and everything that I set my mind to…

These ideas aren’t new.

Geneen Roth says how we eat and how we spend our money is how we do everything.

Brene Brown talks about how we struggle with “enough” and about how easy it is to get sucked into “busy”.

I can’t begin to do things justice in one blog post. A game changer is by definition a huge f*cking deal.

I can’t wait to see what this one does for me.

I’ve got the ball rolling on my health concerns, I’ve got a date with my papazan chair tomorrow (relaxation, anyone?), I’ve got a lightened training load (no CrossFit Games or Ironman Triathlons for me this year), I’ve got a few fiction books to dive into (hello, re-reading Harry Potter!), I see bubble baths and pedicures and lazy Sunday mornings in my future. Far from making me lazy or being an excuse to cop out, I think that backing off and treating myself like I’m already a superstar (because I am!) is going to make me better and is going to make the things I want to do possible. Did I mention I want to change the world?

Instead of feeling fat and defeated this weekend, I’m feeling inspired and on track. It doesn’t matter whether I’m starting from the lowest of lows or somewhere in between, it matters where I’m going.

Bonus cheese…

What are your game changers?

Just for now

Posted on December 16, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

The picture’s funny. The issue’s not.

If you know me/have been following my blog, you’ll know I don’t think we should use the scale to measure our self worth.

In summary, a number on a scale is just an outcome (and it’s often misleading).

If I’m eating healthy and exercising and taking care of myself, I don’t want to weigh myself. I already feel awesome. I already know that I’m doing the right thing. I don’t need something to confirm that.

If I’m using food as a coping resource or bingeing, restricting or overexercising, or otherwise not taking care of myself, the scale is tempting. Maybe I’ve been able to “get away” with eating a jar of nut butter or a package of chocolate chips in a week. To that I say: You can get away with murder, but that still makes you a murderer.

When I catch myself wanting to hop on a scale, I know something’s up. Yucky. Consciousness and awareness might be the route to change and to happiness but that doesn’t make them easy or comfortable.

This is the icky part: I know that I’ve gained weight. I know that some of it is muscle, I know that some of it I probably needed, I know that weight is just an outcome. I also know that I have been coping with a lot, and coping a lot with food.

Without my scale, I have certainly done a better job of owning my actions instead of focusing on the outcome. A blog post I read today about how approaches of “just for now” when it comes to our weight and health goals are damaging came to my inbox at a creepily necessary time.

I put on my jeans today–ones that used to be too big, of course–and couldn’t do them up. This isn’t new. I’ve worked my way up a bunch of sizes–and it’s been okay because for the most part, I was doing a much better job of using food for food. I’ve, as you know, been having a tougher time with ~~not eating chocolate all day every day~~ this last little bit so it’s no wonder I’m not slipping into things.

It’s also no wonder I feel like poop about it.

I had thoughts about how I could “give up _________” just ’til I fit into THOSE jeans. “They’re not even the smallest still kicking around in my closet,” (I’ve gotten rid of my smallest) I tried telling myself.

…HOLD UP.

The way I treat myself now needs to be the way I treat myself always.

Even if my default has been “just for now” thinking, it’s a recipe to stay on the weight roller coaster. Just as fixating on a certain number on a scale and saying that you’ll __________ when you get there is like screaming at yourself “YOU’RE TOO FAT TO DESERVE __________,” using a pair of pants to do the same is a similar mindf*ck.

Looking back, I wish I’d done a lot of the things I put off, telling myself I’d do them when I was skinnier. Looking forward, I want to live “as if”–focusing on what I really want to do, really deserve, and really need to do. Regardless of what the scale–or your pants–tell you, you need to do the same things. It’s tempting to set goals about your weight, put off living until you achieve them, and tell yourself that you’re doing something healthy. Something healthy, in my mind, is figuring out why you don’t think you deserve those things.

Example: Losing 20lbs won’t make me deserve a boyfriend (to be happy, to be whatever). If I don’t think that I deserve that boyfriend (or happiness, or whatever) now, that’s a self esteem issue. What’s lucky is that the self esteem issue might very well be driving me to eat emotionally or to otherwise not take care of myself, but what I need to address is the self esteem issue, the emotional eating, and the not taking care of myself–the weight will follow.

FYI, it’s a lot easier to go on a diet than it is to work on your self esteem.

That being said, here’s a thought:

“Self acceptance my require that we make real to ourselves thoughts, feelings, or actions that disturb our equilibrium; it may shake up our “official” self concept. Self responsibility obliges us to face our ultimate aloneness; demands that we relinquish fantasies of a rescuer.” – Nathaniel Branden

The rescuer isn’t being smaller. It’s not being fitter. It’s not fitting in a certain pair of jeans. It’s not a diet. It’s not a training regime. It’s not a person, a hidden condition, or some other saviour. It’s my own conscious determination to do what I know is right: to eat food for fuel’s sake, not when I need a hug; to train hard for fitness’s sake, not to make up for eating; to live on purpose and in line with my values.

Going forward, I think I need more focus on the ”I deserve all of the good in the world” mantra that I’ve been steadily moving towards this year–not a new year’s resolution to stop eating emotionally or to lose weight or to “fix myself” in any way. With all the festivities of the season and all the food and all the history for me, moderation is a toughie. Allowing myself a treat when I feel like I should have requires me to check in: “Do I really want this?” “What would an accepting person do right now?” etc. etc. Deciding, owning, and getting on with things comes next.

Consciousness, acceptance, responsibility–these are the routes to self esteem and to feeling powerful and in control–not fitting in skinny jeans!

Where are you applying “just for now” thinking?
Where do you need to take some more personal responsibility?

As if

Posted on November 29, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

First, a flashback (skip to 1:08ish for the title reference, please!):

Second, here goes…

This week’s been filled with fun and plenty of things to keep me busy, but I’ve been having a hella time sleeping. Last night, after lying in bed for about an hour, I said to hell with tossing and turning and got up and wrapped up the Christmas presents under my new tree. Is it strange to wrap gifts at 2am? In November?

While I wrapped, I listened to a podcast where Geneen Roth was talking about one of her books—“Women, Food, and God”—which really changed the way I looked at my eating issues back when I was first introduced to her work. Geneen writes in a way that takes the words out of my mouth but also has a knack for getting at something deeper. I’d go so far as to say she awakens consciousness to things I might never have considered on my own or perhaps just puts down on paper the things that many of us are awesome at avoiding.

At any rate, I’m feeling absolutely inspired by her and the book, which I paged through today for old time’s sake. One of the dog-eared pages I came to talked about the concept of living “as if” and I really think, given my posts yesterday, that it applies. Though her reference to “The Voice” might not make full sense, think of it as the beliefs and chatter in your mind about yourself (your inner critic) and reflect on this:

“I tell those who haven’t experienced themselves without The Voice that they need to live as if. Live as if they are worth their own time. Live as if they deserve to take care of their bodies. Live as if the possibilities they long for actually exist. Living as if creates a bridge to a new way of living. It allows you to see that something else is possible. That you really can walk, talk, and eat as if you deserve to be here.”

I think what she suggests here is extremely powerful.

If you’re like me, that’s a refreshing idea. If you’re convinced that you’re overweight and the itty bitty shitty committee that sometimes shows up in your thoughts drives your actions, you’re in a tough spot.

If you’re like me, you realize that that belief is absolutely misguided. Maybe you even know where the voice came from—for me, I can remember a painful time when someone who I love called me “fat and lazy”—and you’re actively trying to flip the switch to a more positive frequency.

But maybe like me, that’s tough. Seeing yourself in new light—as awesome at your core and inherently healthy—can take time. I know that in some areas of my life, I’ve certainly been able to flip that switch. Take, for instance, relationships. It’s easy for me to recognize that I deserve to be surrounded by amazing people who make me feel good and to spend less time with people who bring me down. Done and done. It’s not so easy to convince myself that, in the case of my body, my default is fit.

While it’s tough, it’s not impossible. And it’s happening, albeit slowly. I can catch myself heading into a negative headspace. I can recognize my thoughts for what they are. And while building self-esteem takes effort, the work is rewarding in and of itself. Who wouldn’t want to feel healthier and happier? I’d suppose that if you’re reading a blog called Happy is the New Healthy, you’d be all over that!

So how about we do a little reflecting on hypothetical situation: What if you were always going to have this body—at this weight, with those thighs, and that jean size?

How would you eat?
How would you talk to yourself?
How would you exercise?
What would you stop doing?
What would you start doing?
What would you do more of?
Less of?
What would you wear?
What would shopping be like?
What would your pantry look like?
Where would you spend your money?

My guess is that, particularly if you’ve been dieting or “holding yourself back” you might start with an answer like “I’d eat cake all the time!” Sure, permission to eat freely might sound like permission to binge. But at the end of the day, weight or no weight, bingeing sucks. You’d start to eat the things that genuinely move your body towards health—knowing that food either makes you healthier or makes you sicker. Perhaps the talk of thunder thighs or pudge would change into appreciation of your curves or muscular build or at least into acceptance. Maybe you’d hop off the elliptical and lace up your hiking boots to move your body in a way that you’d love. Maybe you’d stop bingeing, restricting, talking about dieting with your friends, or comparing yourself to other people. Maybe you’d start taking care of your body (check-ups, adjustments, hygiene, etc.), getting more sleep, or going on dates. Perhaps you’d wear clothes that fit you and that flatter you—not baggy duds to hide yourself or things that are too tight and make you a cranky sausage. Would you dread shopping or would you find stores that sell things that you could swear were made just for you? Maybe you’d keep foods you’re certain you could never have around for fear of demolishing them in your kitchen. Maybe you’d stop buying magazines offering how to lose the last 10lbs, diet supplements that promise to be the missing answer in your weight issues.

Maybe you’d start to live a whole different life.

If those questions shook you up, I encourage you to start doing some of the things that I listed (or if you thought of something that you’d do if your weight didn’t matter)—maybe not the cake one. The things that you’d do for the sake of being healthy and happy—the stuff I listed as the answers—are the things that I absolutely must do if I want to be healthy and happy. Anything else is trivial. What would happen if you asked yourself the first question as it applies to the things you do daily?

At the end of the day, whether you’re 20lbs overweight, underweight, or exactly where you think you belong, you’re not healthy if you don’t take care of yourself. Regardless of what your body looks like or weighs, you’re wonderful. You deserve everything good and lovely in the world. Using food to make yourself miserable—fat, skinny, obsessive, etc.—distorts that. It gives you a problem, something you can wave in your face as proof that you’re not so amazing.

But you are amazing.

Whether or not you have weight to lose or gain, giving up the idea that that weight is a problem is a big deal. It offers you the chance to make a radical shift to how you approach yourself and your day to day actions. It takes you from a living against—problem-focused—approach and creates the space for you to instead live for.

Rather than an excuse to be fat and lazy and all things people like to assume not being attached to your weight mean, letting go puts the focus back on our actions. It gives you the right to do what’s healthy for healthy’s sake. Sometimes our weight can distort things. Consider the skinny fat person who eats like crap and never moves. With weight as a distorting lens to judge whether or not they’re healthy, they’re winning. Without it, they’re shit out of luck.

Weight is just an outcome—and as the skinny fat example suggests, it’s just a part of the picture. It’d take a certain kind of person to suggest that appearance trumps everything else and I’d like to punch that kind of person squarely between the eyes.

Lose the lens. Take some responsibility for taking care of yourself and be proud of the fact that you’re doing it.

All of this is asking you to take a step. To start to live for being healthy and happy and fit and strong rather than to live against being fat, sad, out of shape, or weak. Instead of avoiding the things that you think will bring you down, go after the things that will lift you up. Instead of avoiding whatever it is you’re scared of in life, create what you want.

Are you ready to live “as if?”

Finally, some more cheese…

Cookies, muffins and bread, oh my!

Posted on October 14, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

Cookies. Cakes. Muffins. Pies.

They sound delicious, right?

A few years, or even a year ago, I might have chosen “terrifying” as my first descriptor. If you’ve known me for a long time, you’ve probably eaten a cake or some kind of treat from me (apologies if not)…

I used to love baking, and I still love making a mess and decorating cakes in the shape of whatever I think will make someone smile, but things have certainly evolved. In high school, I’d bake extravagant goodies–I remember one recipe I constantly made for dark chocolate brownies with white chocolate chips, which I always topped with a fudge ganache recipe I mastered–but I never ate them.

I shouldn’t say never.

Desserts and I have a complicated history.

There were times when I’d let myself sample my creations. By sample I mean eat the “broken parts” — you know, the ones without calories. Or I’d “edge” things like loaves or bars–working on the corners. I’d slice off part of a cake or a loaf of banana bread. But I’d never ever be caught dead eating it off of a plate. My reasoning? I was either “too fat” to deserve it, or when I was at my thinnest, it’d be a risky thing to have a treat–just the first step in “letting myself go.”

I also I went through a stage with desserts where I’d allow myself to have them but in a very specific way. For a long time, if I stuck to a healthy plan all day, I’d eat them at night. I can remember a cake waiting at home for me being the highlight of my day. I can remember not being able to think about anything else, “saving up” calories for that treat, and then inevitably overeating when I finally got around to it.

I distinctly remember being in bed with a plate of turtles cake, a scoop of chocolate ice cream, and a racing mind: Is this making me fat? Should I be eating before bed? As worried as I was, I’d head back down to the kitchen and edge away at the darn thing. Somehow, a tray of brownies would disappear in a matter of two days even though I’d only actually enjoyed two brownies.

I also distinctly remember deciding that I could not be trusted around goodies. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thrown things out. The worst was when someone would give me a treat. I can still picture cookies, cakes, muffins, cupcakes, and other goodies tossed into the garbage out of fear that I would binge on them. I went through a period of allowing these things to be brought into my house, but I still ate them in very controlled ways–or emotionally, in a binge, or standing up. Even a few weeks ago, a bunch of muffins given to me were “too much” for me to handle. I ate part of one in a hurry, not sitting down, not enjoying it, and then decided that the rest had to go. So go they did, into the garbage.

Sad.

Not ideal.

Fast forward to today: A new friend from the gym generously shared her freshly baked paleo banana bread with me. I sampled some this afternoon to tide me over between meals (side note: it was delicious!).

I sampled this but I’m saving most of it for my car ride!

Later, Chelsea brought me a hug and some coconut chocolate cookies (also Paleo, also delicious). I ate one on the spot.

These will not survive long in my kitchen.

After my first bite, I realized not only were they delicious, but something awesome was happening. I was eating a cookie at 3:30 on a random day. It wasn’t a cookie that I ran a long run to earn. It wasn’t a cookie that I was eating in place of a meal. It wasn’t a cookie that I even knew was going to be part of my life until Chelsea popped in…

I’m sure Chels will love this–but that might have been the best cookie of my life.

Intuitive eating has been a longtime goal of mine. I’ve known for a long time that I’ve wanted to free myself from worrying about food. It’s one thing to care what you’re eating–we should all aim for fuelling ourselves optimally–but it’s absolutely freeing to, within knowing what’s good for you and what’s reasonable, be able to just eat.

It’s really cool that when someone gives me a treat, I can eat it. It’s really cool that if I want to eat brownies, I can make them and eat one–not seven. It’s really cool that after dinner tonight, I wanted chocolate so I had some. No “sneaking” (AKA serving up more than enough chocolate topped with a hefty dose of guilt and shame). It’s really cool that Chelsea’s cookies and Megan’s banana bread are sitting in my kitchen and the only reason I’m thinking of them is to share this with y’all.

There’s nothing wrong with eating treats. There is something wrong with letting food control you. There is something wrong with making things and giving them away and not being able to eat them yourself. There is something wrong with restricting, bingeing, obsessing…

I’m tearing up a bit as I write this. Maybe losing my grandma was a final reminder, a slap in the face of sorts to put it into stone: food is just food.

It’s a slap in the face, sure, but it’s also a tap on the shoulder and a reminder that I can conquer my demons–whatever they are. If you’d asked me before if I thought I’d be able to handle treats like this with a smile on my face, I’m sure I’d have had my doubts. It’s hard to imagine being free of something that literally drives you crazy when you’re in the midst of it. The number of times I’d gotten “into trouble” with cookies or the like would have put a dent in my self esteem…

So all those little things I beat myself up over now–my nut butter addiction, my caffeine dependency, my habit of eating standing up–are just things I’m dealing with and figuring out.

Like I said, these are little things. Sand, if you will, or maybe pebbles. But while they’re little things, they’ve longtime masqueraded as big things, and I don’t think I’m alone with this. It might not be cake or cookies–maybe it’s potato chips or ice cream for you–but I know there are other people who have it in their mind that food has power over them. I know there are plenty of people who doubt that they’ll ever get over their emotional eating issues, their bingeing tendencies, their restrictive habits.

To them I say this: what if this were alright? What if all those past “mistakes” were steps on the road to freedom? When you actively decide to leave your shit behind–whether that means decide that you want to recover, that you want to stop overeating, that you want to get healthy, whatever–there’s no doubt that it will happen. You just have to let it.

Watch your language

Posted on September 3, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

If there’s one thing ~~that makes me a total nerd,~~ I love, it’s words.

But lately I’ve been picking up on things that I say and write and I had a bit of an “I really need to address this” kind of realization this weekend.

In specific, I had a double dose of barbecues and a date with friends for a beer planned after a bike ride. Sounds like a good day, right?

My thoughts: “Well you can get away with a drink or two since you’ll be biking for a few hours this morning.”

HOLD UP!

I know I’m not the only one guilty of this—I see it all the time:

Olympic athletes being able to “get away” with eating less than perfectly since they burn so many calories
Young people saying they can “get away” with things like binge drinking, eating crap, and not exercising
Articles about how you can “afford” to let loose if you’re an active person
During my recovery from my eating disorder, being told I could “get away” with having extra treats given my circumstances

I wish someone would ask these people – and I wish I’d asked myself sooner – what are you getting away with? If you have to get away with it, should you be doing it? If you really want to do it, should you be making it into something you have to get away with?

I’m reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem and funny enough (I’m starting to think coincidences don’t actually exist), something came up in the book that really relates to all of this. In the section on integrity, Branden discusses how little issues with integrity and the small choices we make are the ones that accumulate to really affect us. In short, when we act in a way that’s different then our values, we are damaging our self esteem and acting in contradiction to ourselves. That’s not good! We might say that “getting away” with stuff makes us feel badass (I got away with skipping school today! I’m so badass!), but I think we all know how we really feel when we go against what we know is right—bad (I got away with listening to my heart and did something I know is bad for me! Ew! OR I did what I really want to but I’m supposed to feel bad for it! I’m a bad person!).

All of this comes back to a thought that changed my life (big deal, I know!): you only go to bed with you. I have a yoga teacher friend who likes to tell us that you better start liking yourself because you’re always going to be with you. You can’t argue with that. When I heard this, I was just realizing how I really am in charge of how I operate in this world. I am the one who I have to answer to–not my parents, not my friends, not a doctor or a nutritionist or a dietitian or shrink–ME!

So if the goal is to be healthy, why do we use this kind of language?

I think it’s because we have a skewed idea of what health is, plain and simple. We’re confused about what it takes to be healthy and while it might not be entirely our fault, that’s not an excuse. News flash: being skinny isn’t being healthy–contrary to what the cover of most health magazines or newspaper headlines regarding health might suggest.

Exhibit A: Eat what you crave (& still lose) – I could have chosen just about any magazine, but this one’s on new stands now

Not being sick, fat, or hurt doesn’t mean that you’re not doing harm to your body. In other words, if you put a bunch of chemicals in it (binge drink), load it up with crappy food (eat poorly because you think you can “afford” it as a big exerciser or an endurance athlete), neglect it (skip things like flexibility or mobility work because you have somehow evaded injury thus far)—you’re still doing bad things to your body and to yourself. The focus needs to be on the behavior and whether it in itself is actually beneficial—not on the outcome. In short, when you do something, we should be able to answer with confidence that it’s helping us achieve our goals and our values–or be prepared to pay the price of going against our own heart/will/intelligence (lowered self esteem, the actual detrimental effects of what it is we’re doing, etc.).

The biggest application of this to myself is in terms of health, so just to be clear on what I’m thinking: Health is simply the outcome of doing the healthy things that we all know are good for us – sleeping, eating good food, moving, drinking plenty of water, resting, loving — and it’s the way we’re supposed to be (health is your birthright, your natural state, and where your body wants to be). Where I think people get mixed up is forgetting that health is the natural state we want to be in OR thinking of a picture of healthy and then aiming for that instead of exploring what is actually healthy, doing those things, and letting the outcome (Health! Imagine that!) happen. In short, you can’t take a picture of health and then hammer yourself into it. For example: Thinking that people with a six pack and clear skin are healthy and then going on a crash diet and taking acne medication to get there would be this kind of end-focused, misguided approach. Personally, this matters: I got a lot of comments about how “healthy” and great I looked when I first lost weight during my dances with my eating disorder. Sure—I might have been healthy by the looks of things, but healthy can’t be judged by the looks of things. My behaviours were far from health-promoting and that’s where the real issue is (unless it’s in the fact that most people equate weight loss with health, but that health is more than weight is one of the points of my blog, in case you missed it).

What this all means to me: go eat your ice cream and be done with it. Don’t justify it, but shift the way you think about it (could eating ice cream every once in a while be part of your definition of health?). The minute you say “I can get away with this,” you contribute to that skewed idea about what it is to be healthy. Own your decision to do whatever it is you’re doing. Think about your definition of healthy. If you base your idea of health and wellness on deprivation, you’re going to be more tempted to try to “get away” with things—we want what we can’t have. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what happens if people based health on the positives instead of on all the things they’re trying to avoid? Or if more people started exercising because it’s good for us, not because it helps us avoid weight gain? If we ate more vegetables because they were healthy, not because they prevent ___________ (insert disease/condition of choice here)?I’m working on a definition of health that makes doing the things I used to think I was “getting away” with less appealing–and it’s working. Why would I want to go out and do things that bring me down when I actually care about myself and want to take care of myself? Alternatively, why would I pretend like I think something I’m doing is bad just because people think it’s bad, justify it to please them, and belittle my own intelligence and self esteem in the process? If you want to do something, do it. No apologies, no regrets.

This is a bigger issue than a blog post can take on, but I thought it was worth at least putting out there. Like I said before, the first step is to notice this kind of talk in yourself. Sure, if it’s a societal thing and people are focused on this notion of health as just not being sick or not being fat, that’s a problem that’s going to take a lot of work to change. But throwing up your hands and saying “that’s the way it is” and going on contributing to it if you’re aware isn’t helping anyone, least of all yourself.

If you got sick of reading and now here you are hoping for some cheesy quote, here’s the summary: If your goal is healthy, you don’t “get away” with things that are unhealthy.

Simple vs. Easy

Posted on August 22, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

I’m having trouble settling on a quote to sum up where I want to go with this post, so I’m going to just include a bunch because there really are no rules.

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.” -E.F. Schumacher

“The simplest things are often the truest.” -Richard Bach

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” -Hans Hofmann

I think sometimes we make life way more complicated than it needs to be. And by we I mean me. And instead of dancing around what I’m talking about, here goes:

Eating. I know a lot about nutrition–but not everything. What I do know is this–even people who are “experts” don’t know everything. There are more approaches to eating than there are days in a year to try them all. I was also called out on my post yesterday when I said something about how I don’t think I know what the healthiest way to eat is. That’s wrong. I don’t just think I know, I know I know: a combination of common sense, intuition, and getting real.

Sick of not feeling good? GET REAL. What kind of fuel are you running on?

Boys and girls. If you like someone and they like you, you’ll be together. Real life isn’t the movies–there doesn’t need to be drama. That being said, I think real life should feel kind of like the end of a love story and the people you date better make you feel like you are just the bee’s knees–otherwise you should find someone else who will. Being single won’t kill you…

Someone playing games with you? MOVE ON, with this song in the background.

Healthy living. It’s funny to me to comment on this because I spent so much of my life trying to be “healthy” or some form of “fit” at the expense of living. I was mowing my grandma’s lawn today when I realized that I felt good doing it–energized and not like I was going to keel over, not ravenous or hangry–both good things. I know a year ago I’d have been in a different spot: I’d have brought my bike along on the trip, gone on a marathon trek all morning, and ended up sitting around on the couch too tired to help out. News flash: if you’re fit enough to ride for hours, awesome. But not awesome at the expense of being able to do chores and the activities that actually require doing. What are you fit for? To recover? Or to live?

Not getting your chores or errands done? USE YOUR ENERGY WISELY. Make time for the movement you love, by all means, but don’t tire yourself out with workouts that you’re convinced you “should” be doing or “need to” do.

Being fit. In addition to what I just wrote, why are you working out if you feel like crap? If you’re not sleeping well or fueling yourself properly or taking time to recharge, what’s the point in adding another stressor?

Slogging through your morning run? TURN OFF YOUR ALARM AND GET 8 HOURS OF SLEEP FOR A FEW NIGHTS INSTEAD. You’re not gonna lose your “fitness” overnight and you just might realize how tired you are…

In general. There is so much out there to read, watch, listen to, explore. Life’s too short to fill it with nonsense. Only expose yourself to things you actually care about. Only do things you really want to (or absolutely must)–get rid of “should” and see what happens.

Feeling overwhelmed? TAKE A “IF IT’S NOT A HELL YES, IT’S A HELL NO!” APPROACH. Watch things get simpler…

Tah dah.

Simplify!

Chocolate, authenticity, and living out loud

Posted on August 21, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

So, I just dug into some Reese’s cups. It’s 10 o clock, I already had some dark chocolate after my Pork Palace party earlier, and I can honestly say I’m not hungry.

So what’s up?

There’s a post in me and it’s one that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I think a value that I missed when I made my original list is AUTHENTICITY. Whether it’s in terms of relationships, my message to the world, or whatever, I am all for being real. I interpret the “no filter” as some of my friends put it as part of this and I really think things are easier when we are as real as possible.

I don’t think I’ve been all that real with myself and I’ve been holding back.

My whole point with this blog is this: Happy and healthy go together.

My whole point with this post is this: I don’t feel all that healthy.

I feel like a hypocrite. It’s hard not to be frustrated with yourself when you aren’t living up to what you want to or what you know is right for you.

So here goes.

In short, if a client came to me as their trainer or instructor and asked me if I thought their exercise regime was balanced and they showed me what I’ve been doing, I’d have to be honest: straight up no way. I’m not going to launch into a big definition of fitness here, but it’s not about just being able to run marathons or looking jacked (though those are fine and dandy and come with the territory–maybe). I like linking to other people who have summarized already the things I’m trying to get across so for this one, check out Ben’s post on what fitness is (he refers to Crossfit’s definition)–or just know that it’s holistic and encompasses:

1. Cardiovascular/Cardio Respiratory Endurance

2. Stamina

3. Strength

4. Flexibility

5. Power

6. Speed

7. Coordination

8. Accuracy

9. Agility

10. Balance

…how many of those do I REALLY work on? Yoga helps with balance and flexibility. My spinning, cycling, running, and swimming help with stamina and endurance. But…I am not agile because I don’t ever think about it. I don’t really work on mobility, even though I know I should. Unless someone’s chasing me, there’s not much speed in my life. Accuracy and agility and coordination and all those sports-like aspects only come into play if I’m trying to kick your butt on the tennis court–and that doesn’t happen near enough.

Ditto for diet. I’m not sure what the “perfect diet” is — but I believe this: food should be real. Recognizeable ingredients. Something you can picture in nature. You should eat it sitting down, relaxed, and before you’re hangry. Life should include some foods just for the hell of it, but most of the things you put in your body on a daily basis should help you move towards a healthier state.

On top of this, I’m not really valuing sleep.

I don’t think what I’ve just said is revolutionary. Lots of bloggers decide to use their blogs as a way to stay accountable–Tina’s awesome blog started out as a way for her to keep herself on track. I’m thinking of this in the same way. After the presentation on blogging that I went to at the Canfitpro conference, I realized there are as many blogs out there as there are people who could possibly want to read them. And I also realized something: I’m not using this blog to win people, customers, friends, admirers, or readers. I could write all of the things I do here in my diary, but I like to share them because I know that there are other people who can relate. If who those people are changes over time, I have to be okay with that.

I think we often judge ourselves more than we should. I hear voices saying “Cheryl, why are you trying to eat less grains? Isn’t that ED coming back into your head?” When I know for a fact that ED is no longer controlling me and when I know that if I gave up bread for a week and then craved toast, I could and would eat it if I wanted to. I know that I’m the one in charge.

…so what’s the hold up?

Change is scary.

I want to change my exercise approach — and I am but it’s a bit slow. I deserve to not only be healthy in those couple of aspects but in all of them. I want to eat more real food and worry less about the other junk that seems to be filling me up a little more than I’d like. I want to eat by design – at least to see if it makes me healthier, which is the goal now. I want to focus on the great things that I’m doing instead of worrying about the little things — I’m doing a much better job of putting things into perspective and on sticking to the mantra “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” but I still catch myself catastrophizing and being a yes woman on occasion.

…since I’ve redefined healthy and happy to be harmonious and one and the same and all that jazz, I know that I can and will do this. There’s no failing when your goal is being your best — if that makes any sense.

Again, change is scary. But scarier still is sabotaging myself. Sure, eating some chocolate isn’t the end of the world. But when it makes me feel like a hypocrite and then drags me down? That sucks. No, if I stay the way I am, I won’t be a bad person. But this nagging feeling that I’m not trying my hardest or giving myself permission to be as awesome as I’m meant to be is bringing me down and I’m sick of it. It’s not really about making the changes on the surface–it’s about the changes inside and the shifts that are necessary for anything to really change:

Instead of thinking change is scary — Isn’t it cool how we can always try something new?
Instead of worrying that I’m going to fail — Isn’t it awesome that we can learn by doing and take mistakes as lessons?
Instead of thinking that I’m going to be judged — Isn’t it great that I can be a leader for a whole new group of people?
Instead of thinking of this change as risky — Isn’t it awesome that I have the freedom to do whatever I want?
Instead of being ashamed that I’ve been holding myself back — Isn’t it empowering to live out loud and to share this whole journey?

Gosh, I hope this is making sense in some way. I promise that more practical stuff will come out of me some time soon. The 30 day challenge I mentioned before should be a kick in the butt to get organized and regular with that accountability stuff — and it’s coming up quick. Things are going to settle down soon enough after a whirlwind summer (I think I’m craving some routine and stability even though I’ve loved living free for the last little bit). Life is good.

Inspired by a buffet

Posted on August 4, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

…it’s true.

My breakfast buffet was THAT good.

I’m just kidding — this is one of those posts that I drafted out on the airplane the other day but the buffet could be like a metaphor or something…

Anyways, I’m going to ahead and ramble about abundance.

A few weeks ago, Dr. Kreso was talking to me about abundance and scarcity. He was largely talking to me about how as a business person, if you believe in scarcity, you act very differently than if you think about the world as abundant. He also pointed out that there’s NOT a finite amount of money out there. There’s also too many people in London or in the world for one person to provide value to (i.e. as a chiropractor, or as a personal trainer, or as a whatever).

A few days ago, I had a hella life coaching session talking about abundance and being open to all that I deserve. I took this as a reason to feel SPECIAL and not spoiled for all that I’m being treated to this week. Instead of feeling guilty and bad for being so lucky, I have to realize that everyone is just as entitled to being happy and treated special as I am.

A long time ago, I interviewed Tina from Carrots n Cake. She told me that when it comes to blogging and why she’s so helpful to up and coming healthy living bloggers, it’s because there’s “plenty of room at the top.” I don’t think she realizes how much this meant for me to hear!

Today, I ate at a really kick ass buffet.

All of that means that it’s time for this post!

Yup, there’s abundance in my life and I’m trying to embrace it, which means shifting some beliefs, which means big stuff to me…

Along with recognizing that there’s abundance all around, we need to recognize that there’s abundance for everyone. Not only am I entitled to all the good in the world, so is everyone else.

Living your purpose enables you to see that you’re contributing to something. You release competition because you’re living your purpose, which is bigger than your own life and which makes recognizing that we’re all playing on the same team easier. You have to start by defining your purpose, and this is something I’m definitely just starting to sort out but for me, I think I’ve come to this a few times: “My purpose is to inform, enable and motivate people to live their best lives possible, recognizing that we all deserve to be not only healthy and happy, but also awesome! I want to live an inspiring life and to serve as a leader by living on a grand scale and never settling for just okay.”

So really, why wouldn’t I want OTHER bloggers to write about these things? Why wouldn’t I want OTHER trainers to help people get strong, fit, healthy? Why wouldn’t I want OTHER girls to be epic strong, fast, and smart?

Just because I’m smart doesn’t mean other people aren’t. Just because I get to go to the spa doesn’t mean other people can’t. Just because I have money to spend on certain things doesn’t mean others don’t. Just because I like my body doesn’t mean other people can’t. And so on and so forth. I’m not taking away because all of these things — happiness, wealth, etc. — are abundant in the world! We create happiness. We create wealth. We create relationships. There’s no limit on them!

Other realizations — when you start to believe in abundance, there’s less negative jealousy. We might still get jealous but we see that it’s just an indication of what we want. Someone’s got a hot boyfriend? You want one? There’s tons of them out there. Someone have a sweet car or a big paycheque? There’s one of those waiting for you, too!

So help each other. Lift other people up. Be a mentor.

I also remember a few years ago being FLOORED when I asked someone for advice about my bootcamp. They were an established trainer with their own business and had run bootcamps in the past. Rather than helping me, they responded with a statement about how that would be crossing a line. Hi, I think someone was threatened. Who wouldn’t want more people out and exercising? FYI this was in Sarnia, and there’s about 75000 people there, and I know that the people I target are not the same as she would. But this is in the past, it’s just striking to come back to it with this newfound realization and to see how scarcity thinking was driving her fears, insecurities, etc.

Lesson: believe in abundance because it makes you nicer.

So, to wrap things up: I deserve all the good in the world. That belief is becoming my new norm. I really really really feel like I’ve shifted. But I’m adding to that — I deserve all the good in the world–and so does everyone else! There is enough love, light, health, and happiness to go around.

A couple of quotes:

Where are you letting scarcity hold you back?
Do you believe in abundance?
Who are you jealous of? How could you shift those feelings?

Happy is the new healthy

Category Archives: Inspiration