Wamble is not a word, but ramble is.

And ramble I will, but only after a photo recap of today’s eats (in WIAW tradition).

pumpkin/greek yogurt + trail mix, banana. MIA: coffee with milk!

green smoothie (2 scoops protein down the hatch + apple, 1/2 frozen banana, ice cubes, kale, and water)

this is me. that is almond butter on that spoon. you know where this is going.

decaf long americano. i resisted the cream today.

snausages and sundried tomatoes over salad.

Lately I’ve been getting real about what and how I’m eating. Yes, it’s an improved approach. I do my best to be a nutrient seeker and realize that the best thing I can do is to eat real food that’s always been food. But I rely a lot on convenience and use “it’s paleo!” as an excuse sometimes. Last week, I asked a practice client what their 10/10 looked like with food and eating and quickly realized that I didn’t really know what my 10/10 looks like (and yes, I caught myself getting in my own head when I should have been waiting for her response !).

Anyways, not knowing what I even want my eating, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. to look like if it were going to look it’s best is only problematic if I want to get there, right? *sarcasm* You can’t move towards something if you don’t know what it is you’re aiming for…

Things that came up when I started to think about this: more vegetables, less mystery meat, more variety, more local, more organic, more homemade. A theme here might be authentic. Whether my bacon consumption of late suggests it or not, I used to be a vegetarian, largely because I didn’t like the stuff I read and saw about factory farming and the meat industry.

While I recognize that this is all a process, I think it’s time in my process to get real about where my food comes from. The 100 Mile Diet, Animal Vegetable Miracle, and Michael Pollan’s books offered some of my most memorable “aha!” moments. I get sucked into those books far more than I do the ones about the hormonal effects, the minute details of grams of this or grams of that, etc.—so it makes sense that ignoring where and who my food comes from isn’t leaving me totally fulfilled. It’s like there’s something missing and I’m pretty darn sure that filling in that gap will be a huge jump towards a 10/10.

That’s enough rambling for now (I’m not ready to own up to my Starbucks habits of late !), especially since I’ve got my alarm set for 5am tomorrow. I’m just stoked out of my brains to do 13.3, especially at 6am!

It will be worth it, however, to head into my second weekend of life coach training in Toronto. This weekend’s about fulfillment…

“The coachee’s definition of fulfillment is always intensely personal. It may include, especially at first, outward measures of success: a great job or promotion, enough money, a certain lifestyle. Eventually, the coaching will progress to a deeper definition of fulfillment. It’s not about having more. It’s not about what fill’s the client’s pockets or closets—it’s about what fills the client’s heart and soul. A fulfilling life is a valued life, and clients will have their own definitions of what they truly value. If they value risk taking, is there enough adventure in their lives? If they value family, are they shortchanging themselves by caving in to the demands of work? What are the personal values the want present in their work? Sorting out values is a way of sorting out life choices, because when the choices reflect the client’s values, life is more satisfying and often feels effortless. Achieving a certain goal can be very fulfilling—especially as a benchmark—but most clients find that fulfillment is not the finish line. At its deepest level, fulfillment is about finding and experiencing a life of purpose and service. It is about reaching one’s full potential.”

That lights me up!

What is different between your current eating patterns and your 10/10 ideal?
What are your plans for the weekend?
What do you think of 13.3?

If you know me, you know that I have my own clock. I’m the girl whose car clock is set 12 minute fast but who still manages to cut it too close when it comes to being on time. By some stroke of a miracle I’m running early for a 7am start time. On a Saturday. When there’s snow on the ground!

Maybe I’m just excited for today — it’s quarterly meeting time for the chiropractic office I work at and we are starting things off with a team training date at crossfit (yes I realize how cool my job is!).

Right now crossfit and I are getting along: 13.2 was definitely better than 13.1 in my books. The workout was a 10 minute AMRAP of 5 shoulder to overhead (75) 10 deadlifts (75) and 15 box jumps (20″). My score was 269. I have a no redo policy and I still have a wod cough from doing it yesterday so I’m going to stick with that time! My advice to you if you’re doing it is te advice that I got: do push press if you have the strength and save your legs. Do step ups on the corner of the box. TA-dah! The recipe to beat my score. (Hmmph!).

Yesterday was just an all around good day: some work I’ve been putting off, the workout plus a little training afterwards at the gym, a Skype date with my long lost friend Christina (jk, long lost = New Zealand), quality time with another gal pal from the gym, and a froyo date that left me with a toothache and a tummy ache plus a lot of tossing and turnin (toppings and fudge = sugar rush apparently). Lesson learned! My friend is here for the weekend so we had a sleepover and watched “friends with benefits” as so funny!

Tonight we are headed to a partayyyyy!
Bring on the green alcoholfun!

And now I’m properly rushed to be on time. All is right in the world!

I have a theory: as I get more stressed, my chocolate consumption rises.

Similarly, as I get busier, my nut consumption increases.

I’ve been running around a bit like a chicken with it’s head cut off for the last 48 hours. Lots of good things — meetings, reunions with old friends, working, a massage — but I am glad to be sitting firmly on my butt right now with nowhere to be in the morning until 10:30am.

I meant to post a wordless WIAW from yesterday. My eats were kind of pathetic…

…and I totally forgot to snap a pic of the board at CrossFit (we did a lovely WOD with 20 front squats (95lbs), 30 box jumps, 40 kettlebell swings (35lbs), and 50 push presses (45lbs) – 5:44 for me Rx’d).

Blog fail.

Today I have to admit was a bit of a food fail.

Summary: cashews with a side of food.

Woopsey!

The rest of my Thursday was awesome. I work at GFC on Thursdays and this week was March Break so there was even more cute kids and happy parents (ha!) than normal.

Tonight my main goals are not eating more cashews getting a good rest, dreaming about 13.2 (which I’m doing tomorrow!), and hitting “publish” on this bad boy. I’m hoping that this whole “one of those ones you just have to push through” description of the workout is accurate and that I can tough it out–nothing seems too scary about it but maybe I’m in for a surprise.

Here’s a surprise: cashews have an apple attached to them? Nuts are one of those lingering mystery foods that I don’t really understand from start to finish. If you’re a nerd, you can read about it too. Some of the photos I stumbled on were ugly, but not ugly enough to make them less delicious.

Andddd yes, I am nuts.

Night night.

Today was a ridiculously full–and fulfilling–day.

It started out with coffee covering a spin class for an instructor who’s enjoying some sun (it’s March break). I love me some chronic cardio spin here and there.

Since it’s been a while, here’s a taste of the playlist:

warm up

Red Hands

tempo

Tonight I’m Getting Over You

hill

T.H.E.

C’Mon

flat – speed

I Cry

hill

Scream & Shout

Don’t Stop the Party

rolling hills

Glad You Came (rmx)

flat – speed

Sweet Nothing

hill

Thrift Shop

Just Give Me a Reason

flat – speed

Bangarang

cooldown

Daylight

True Colors

Britney: check.

Ke$ha: check.

I still got it!

After spin, I snarfed a breakfast on the go (banana, “paleo” muffin, protein shake made with water/almond milk + grassfed whey) as I relocated from one gym to another.

At the rec centre, I did a bit of life coaching before I taught bootcamp. The bootcamp class was short, sweet, and sweaty on their end (I just coached). Think squats, pushups, planks, and tabata fun (step-ups, mountain climbers, burpees).

After bootcamp, I hustled home because I was on the verge of hangry. Luckily my Sunday prep was great this week and I could reheat some cabbage and snausages in a jiffy.

In a jiffy is key because I was hurrying to coach another practice client. ’twas fun, as new and challenging as it is for me! Following that little session, I had a chit chat with some friends about working for them this summer a bit. Afterwards, I made my way to the third gym of the day to intern at CrossFit. I coached the whole class today, which means I felt like a big deal. Progress!

When I finished up at the gym (after playing around: a few embarrassing attempts at handstand pushups, a reminder of why I need to do pistols more often, and the best experience I’ve had grabbing onto a bar since ripping my calluses a few weeks ago), I met a friend for a bit of shopping. We were in the market for green schtuff for this weekend–which proved a bit disappointing. I was still glad to have the free time to get together and to do something just random with my less employed self–even if the rest of my day was busy.

While we were shopping, I felt myself crossing into hangry territory so when I got home I ate a big dinner: romaine, pork, and a giant sweet potato with butter.

It hit the spot, but I have a food baby right now. I’m having some tea, starting a bit of editing I’ve been procrastinating on, and having a relaxing night.  Tomorrow’s less busy than today but there’s still plenty on the agenda to keep me busy and smiling.

What songs are on your workout playlist right now?

It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve blogged to recap my days, so I think I better start by recapping a bit of my life before I dive into what I ate for breakfast this morning.

So if someone asked me what’s new, they’d get this earful. Be warned, there’s no particular order here:

• I had my last shift at lululemon on Saturday. It’s a bittersweet goodbye–there was absolutely nothing wrong with the job and there was tons of things right about the staff and the job. There are, however, only 168 hours in a week, and my oh so awesome time management skills still weren’t getting things done and leaving me feeling the way I’d like to feel.
• Now that I have some more time, I’m going to use it to sleep. Just kidding. Sleep is going to increase, but so is my focus on life coaching. The first weekend at the CTI training was amazing. I am working with a coach to get my own businass going–so stay tuned. I have a host of really good looking awesome practice clients who I am flexing my coaching skills with right now–and I’m loving it! Talk about inspired.
• I’m still working at GFC–and loving it. I’m looking forward to setting some goals for the next quarter soon. I am surrounded by inspired people. I’m valued. Life is good.
• I’m also going through Marie Forleo’s B School. The modules just started and besides a little freak out (I have some thinking, planning, brainstorming, soul-searching to do), I couldn’t be happier. If I wasn’t at least a little nervous and emotional over this, I’d be concerned. It’s scary because it matters! It gives me butterflies because I want to succeed! While I’m going through it, I’m glad to add in some coaching from Becca (the uncaged life).
• Did I mention I believe in coaching and being coached? I spent the the first part of this year working with Christie Inge in her Peaceful Eating program. I had a lot of “aha” moments, a couple of epiphanies, and am certainly feeling like I’ve come further with my relationship with food and my body and myself. #win
• Also on the food front, I’m trying to focus on what I want more of: shopping at the farmer’s market and eating food whose story I am okay with, drinking water and herbal tea instead of coffee (lately there’s been too many days where coffee consumption > water consumption + I realize that adding excessive quantities of caffeine to a body that I’m trying to get to de-stress is not the best practice), eating meals sitting down at a table (a food journal experiment showed me that more than half of what I eat was on the go, mostly in the car), eating food that makes me feel good (not just food that I think I deserve but food that deserves to go in my body), etc.
• On the training front, I’m doing the CrossFit Open. 13.1 was a pleasant surprise–I scored 106 (6 more than I anticipated). My hands are pretty much healed up from a gnarly tear (both hands. fail.) so I’m ready for whatever comes next. I am seriously enjoying CrossFit these days, but I throw in a swim and a run and sub a spin class here or there to keep things interesting.

Nothing like spring to get me out and running! 10k in Springbank = bliss

post-13.1 smiles

• I’m ready for summer: biking, trail running, golfing, jumping in the lake, eating froyo, hiking, patios, BBQs, Sharon’s Creek…bring it on!

So NOW I can recap things.

After a few weeks of 6am training sessions, waking up without an alarm was blissful today. I took some time to watch some inspirational videos and do a bit of journalling before breakfast.

bacon, eggs, sauerkraut (I’m going to make my own soon!)

After breakfast, I made my way to Starbucks and did some coaching/B School work. My order today was an americano misto, which was tasty and a nice switch from my normal long americano with heavy cream. I don’t know if I’m converted…

My butt got numb at right around the same time I needed to head to the gym for a noon class. Today’s workout featured heavy snatches and an 8 minute AMRAP that floored me. I love double unders, I hate box jumps, and a day without burpees is not much of a day at all–plus my competition was friends were all around today so it was game on!

After I caught my breath and got myself home, I threw together a quick lunch before heading to GFC for the evening.

bacon wrapped chicken thighs (3), sweet potato with butter, sprouts

After I finished work, I moseyed on down to Starbucks. I had dinner while I waited for one of my clients (I love saying that!) to join me for some coaching.

sausage and cabbage with raisins (random), banana, tea

Awesome start to the week: check. Tomorrow I’m covering a spin class, teaching bootcamp, doing some coaching, interning at CrossFit, and hoping to get some errands checked off my to do list, which means it’s time for me to go to bed. This week’s goal is a steady stream of sleep PRs .

Night!

I have a confession to make.

I eat copious quantities of cashew butter. Straight out of the jar. With my finger.

I wish I’d given up grains because I knew that they were nutrient poor. 
I wish I’d started eating steak because I was after nutrients. 
I wish I’d started lifting weights because I wanted to get stronger. 
I wish I’d started CrossFit because I wanted to be fitter.

…I didn’t.

I “went paleo” and drank the CrossFit Koolaid because I wanted to lose weight.

Phew.

Confessions are cathartic.

While I’m at it…

I gave up dieting hoping I’d lose weight.

I wanted to stop spending all my physical and mental energy on the pursuit of a thin body, yes, but I still wanted—and expected—that thin body along with the relief.

I think the hope was natural. I read a lot of awesome, inspirational, helpful books by women who conquered emotional eating or gave up dieting. Geneen Roth ended up lighter than when she was on the diet roller coaster. Christie Inge sings a similar tune. A lot of what I read suggested that giving up dieting was the answer to finally giving up the weight, too.

It’s been about a year since I started Happy is the New Healthy. It’s been about six months since I started CrossFit, and somewhere in there I dove into eating a paleo diet.

Guess what?

I’ve gained weight.

Maybe 25lbs of it.

That part of me that wanted to lose weight is saying WTF.

Picture me ripping what feels like the 10th pair of pants this year (don’t even get me started on what I do to button down shirts).

It’s been an awesome year.

You could just as easily picture me having a stranger come up to me and ask me what I do to make my butt “look so bomb” while I was shopping last weekend. (it was a girl, and I assure you she wasn’t hitting on me). Or me in the feminine care aisle at Shopper’s for the first time in years (TMI, but after FIVE. Fucking. Years. without needing to buy a box of tampons you should understand why I might be the only girl crying tears of joy (ever) over getting to venture there). Or me doing five pull-ups in a row for the first time ever last month.

What I gained wasn’t just muscle. Or fat.

It was health, it was strength, it was power, it was confidence. It was determination. It was a game changer.

Side note: If you’re thinking you’re better than me cuz you went paleo or joined a box in hopes of “improving your body composition,” I’m going to challenge you: talking about “body composition” is just a new way to drive ourselves crazy. It’s another way to attempt to control the way your body looks—an outcome—rather than to control what you can and what really matters—your actions. It’s a handy way to make you and your body somehow wrong, somehow not good enough, somehow not optimal—regardless of what you’re really doing and what you really are. It might be socially acceptable, but so is .

I’ll offer this and get back to the point: Are your actions optimal? If so, guess what: Your body is perfect.

You are the result of the choices you have made. Keep that in mind next time you feel too fat, too skinny, too muscular, too lean, too whatever. Your “optimal body composition” or “perfect weight” or “ideal size” (take your pick from the goody bag of ways to make yourself feel like shit) isn’t something you can pick out and decide to be. It’s the natural result of doing the right things. Not the bodpod, nor the scale, nor even your clothes can tell you that. Only looking at what you’re doing can.

Gaining weight was yuckier than raunchy fish oil ‘til I started looking at things with that perspective.

It’s simple: Am I doing the right things?

Am I training to create strength, power, balance, agility, etc. in my body?

Am I eating nutrient dense foods that fuel me and make me more awesome? Where are they coming from?

Am I focusing my energy on the things that inspire me?

If not, am I giving myself a gentle reminder that we are always in choice and having the self esteem to own my choices?

For example, smashing a jar of cashew butter on a weekly basis, keeping Starbucks in business, and being a bit of a stress case for a solid portion of the last year might have something to do with ripping my jeans.

This is where a little bit of guilt can come into play. I feel guilty when I eat things I know are not good for me. In the past, that freaked me out. I struggled over whether or not that was an eating disorder kind of thought. So is it?

I say no.

The further along with recovery and being awesome I’ve gotten, the more I realize that my eating disorder wasn’t about guilt so much as it was about shame. As Brene Brown so eloquently (tissues required) explains, they’re different. Guilt comes from thinking you’ve done something bad or wrong. Shame, on the other hand, comes from thinking that you are bad or wrong. “I did bad” versus “I am bad.” Guilt tells you when you’re not in line with your values, shame tells you that you’re a piece of crap.

Feeling guilty about those less than stellar habits I may have held onto or developed indicates that I want better for myself. Taking ownership of them is very different than beating myself up over them. Recognizing them as not so hot now puts this whole learning process into perspective.

Not being attached to what the size of my thighs does as a result of my actions—but being attached to my actions instead—is freeing. In a pants-splitting fashion.

So did I find what I was looking for?

Nope. But I certainly feel lighter.

Like I said, that part of me that wanted to lose weight is saying WTF. But the part of me that wanted relief is saying hallelujah. Not just that, but there’s a new part of me emerging: the part that wants to create health, wants to live according to my values, and wants to be proud of where I’m at. And if that part is getting so big that she rips her pants, I think it’s worth every shopping trip it takes.

Have you ever gotten into something with one goal but realized what you’ve gained is something entirely different?
If you eat Paleo/By Design or do CrossFit, why did you start?

I want to elaborate on something that I’ve been spending a shit ton lot of time reflecting on lately.

This week, Dr. K wrote a blog post talking about how he is bettering himself: he’s hanging out with a mentor and a role model and noticing where he needs to make changes to get to where he wants to be. He identifies a pretty important step in making any kind of change in our lives: changing our beliefs.

Before I get into it, a “belief” to me is something we take to be true. It’s a thought we’ve thunk so many times that we take it to be true. Beliefs are not necessarily true, and it’s the false ones and the limiting ones that really drag us down.

Like I said, a belief is just a thought that’s become our default. It’s like a one line summary of what we think about something–ourselves, our mothers, our bodies, bacon, the world (anything!). It’s tempting, when looking at our problems or issues, to say “That’s just the way I am.”

Tempting, but not productive. If you want to be on your own side, you’ve got to question those things you hold to be true and the thoughts they lead you to think.

So let’s say that you have a belief that you know is holding you back.

Let’s say that the belief is that you’ll always be overweight (you can sub in “broke” or “single” or whatever it is that you no longer want to be).

This is certainly one of the beliefs that I have held for far too long. It comes from a circumstance that I absolutely can’t change: I was chubby growing up. So why’s it matter that I’m thinking this?

When I think, “I’ll always be fat,” it starts a sort of cascade of feelings, behaviours, and then results that leave me stuck in that headspace. I’m drawing on a little model that Brooke Castillo uses in her coaching:

So with the circumstance, which I can’t change, is that I was a chubby kid, let’s dive into this example a bit.

When I think that I’ll always be fat, I feel pretty worthless and pretty hopeless (feelings).

When I feel worthless and hopeless, my actions are things like restricting and bingeing and not taking care of myself.

When I restrict and binge and neglect to take care of myself, I end up weighing more than I’m supposed to and generally feeling like crap.

That’s devastating because it confirms that shit-tastic belief that my body wants to weigh more than it should, that “I’m supposed to be fat.”

If you’re a Happy is the New Healthy junkie, you might remember a little post I wrote not too long ago about always being in choice. If not, the summary is this: every thing that we do and every thought that we think is a choice that we make. We are entirely responsible for ourselves, we are always in choice, and we can choose something different.

Our beliefs might drive our actions because we’re not consciously thinking them through, but if we wake up and bring some awareness into the mix, we have ourselves a game changer: beliefs can change. They might not change overnight, but they change. And just because you think that thinking the alternative to a limiting belief isn’t possible doesn’t mean it isn’t. It just means you don’t see it as an option–yet. I encourage you to start. Just like you used to think Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all hung out, you can used to think that you were supposed to be fat, broke, or single.

So how?

How do we change something we default to?

We do it by thinking a certain way and feeding new thoughts on purpose, that’s how!

I had the pleasure of being coached by Christie Inge earlier this week. While we were on the topic of beliefs and changing them, she offered me a pretty powerful example that I can’t help but share:

She asked me if I’d ever driven to work or school or wherever without really thinking about it, arrived there, and wondered how I’d gotten there.

“Yes ma’am.”

Then she asked what would happen if I wanted to take a different route.

“I’d have to think about it.”

Get it?

Just like driving a different route would mean you’d have to figure it out, think it through, turn at new intersections, drive down new roads, and focus on what you’re doing, changing a belief takes focusing on a new thought, growing new feelings, taking new actions, and generating different results. Those different results will feed back and confirm that new thought. Over and over and over again.

What happens when you think something over and over and over again?

You have a belief.

Lemme stop rambling and recap with my example:

icky belief’s thought: I’m supposed to be fat.

icky feeling: hopeless, worthless

icky behaviors: restricting/bingeing, not taking care of myself

icky results: overweight, unhealthy, dissatisfied with my body (confirms that I’m supposed to be that way)

OR

awesome alternative belief’s thought: I’m meant to be healthy.

awesome alternative feeling:  trusting, calm

awesome alternative behaviours: eating right, exercising, taking care of myself

awesome alternative results: my body finds its peacefeul, happy weight (confirms that I’m supposed to be that way)

Choosing to keep thinking a belief is just that: a choice.

You are always in choice.

Act accordingly.