As if

Posted on November 29, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

First, a flashback (skip to 1:08ish for the title reference, please!):

Second, here goes…

This week’s been filled with fun and plenty of things to keep me busy, but I’ve been having a hella time sleeping. Last night, after lying in bed for about an hour, I said to hell with tossing and turning and got up and wrapped up the Christmas presents under my new tree. Is it strange to wrap gifts at 2am? In November?

While I wrapped, I listened to a podcast where Geneen Roth was talking about one of her books—“Women, Food, and God”—which really changed the way I looked at my eating issues back when I was first introduced to her work. Geneen writes in a way that takes the words out of my mouth but also has a knack for getting at something deeper. I’d go so far as to say she awakens consciousness to things I might never have considered on my own or perhaps just puts down on paper the things that many of us are awesome at avoiding.

At any rate, I’m feeling absolutely inspired by her and the book, which I paged through today for old time’s sake. One of the dog-eared pages I came to talked about the concept of living “as if” and I really think, given my posts yesterday, that it applies. Though her reference to “The Voice” might not make full sense, think of it as the beliefs and chatter in your mind about yourself (your inner critic) and reflect on this:

“I tell those who haven’t experienced themselves without The Voice that they need to live as if. Live as if they are worth their own time. Live as if they deserve to take care of their bodies. Live as if the possibilities they long for actually exist. Living as if creates a bridge to a new way of living. It allows you to see that something else is possible. That you really can walk, talk, and eat as if you deserve to be here.”

I think what she suggests here is extremely powerful.

If you’re like me, that’s a refreshing idea. If you’re convinced that you’re overweight and the itty bitty shitty committee that sometimes shows up in your thoughts drives your actions, you’re in a tough spot.

If you’re like me, you realize that that belief is absolutely misguided. Maybe you even know where the voice came from—for me, I can remember a painful time when someone who I love called me “fat and lazy”—and you’re actively trying to flip the switch to a more positive frequency.

But maybe like me, that’s tough. Seeing yourself in new light—as awesome at your core and inherently healthy—can take time. I know that in some areas of my life, I’ve certainly been able to flip that switch. Take, for instance, relationships. It’s easy for me to recognize that I deserve to be surrounded by amazing people who make me feel good and to spend less time with people who bring me down. Done and done. It’s not so easy to convince myself that, in the case of my body, my default is fit.

While it’s tough, it’s not impossible. And it’s happening, albeit slowly. I can catch myself heading into a negative headspace. I can recognize my thoughts for what they are. And while building self-esteem takes effort, the work is rewarding in and of itself. Who wouldn’t want to feel healthier and happier? I’d suppose that if you’re reading a blog called Happy is the New Healthy, you’d be all over that!

So how about we do a little reflecting on hypothetical situation: What if you were always going to have this body—at this weight, with those thighs, and that jean size?

How would you eat?
How would you talk to yourself?
How would you exercise?
What would you stop doing?
What would you start doing?
What would you do more of?
Less of?
What would you wear?
What would shopping be like?
What would your pantry look like?
Where would you spend your money?

My guess is that, particularly if you’ve been dieting or “holding yourself back” you might start with an answer like “I’d eat cake all the time!” Sure, permission to eat freely might sound like permission to binge. But at the end of the day, weight or no weight, bingeing sucks. You’d start to eat the things that genuinely move your body towards health—knowing that food either makes you healthier or makes you sicker. Perhaps the talk of thunder thighs or pudge would change into appreciation of your curves or muscular build or at least into acceptance. Maybe you’d hop off the elliptical and lace up your hiking boots to move your body in a way that you’d love. Maybe you’d stop bingeing, restricting, talking about dieting with your friends, or comparing yourself to other people. Maybe you’d start taking care of your body (check-ups, adjustments, hygiene, etc.), getting more sleep, or going on dates. Perhaps you’d wear clothes that fit you and that flatter you—not baggy duds to hide yourself or things that are too tight and make you a cranky sausage. Would you dread shopping or would you find stores that sell things that you could swear were made just for you? Maybe you’d keep foods you’re certain you could never have around for fear of demolishing them in your kitchen. Maybe you’d stop buying magazines offering how to lose the last 10lbs, diet supplements that promise to be the missing answer in your weight issues.

Maybe you’d start to live a whole different life.

If those questions shook you up, I encourage you to start doing some of the things that I listed (or if you thought of something that you’d do if your weight didn’t matter)—maybe not the cake one. The things that you’d do for the sake of being healthy and happy—the stuff I listed as the answers—are the things that I absolutely must do if I want to be healthy and happy. Anything else is trivial. What would happen if you asked yourself the first question as it applies to the things you do daily?

At the end of the day, whether you’re 20lbs overweight, underweight, or exactly where you think you belong, you’re not healthy if you don’t take care of yourself. Regardless of what your body looks like or weighs, you’re wonderful. You deserve everything good and lovely in the world. Using food to make yourself miserable—fat, skinny, obsessive, etc.—distorts that. It gives you a problem, something you can wave in your face as proof that you’re not so amazing.

But you are amazing.

Whether or not you have weight to lose or gain, giving up the idea that that weight is a problem is a big deal. It offers you the chance to make a radical shift to how you approach yourself and your day to day actions. It takes you from a living against—problem-focused—approach and creates the space for you to instead live for.

Rather than an excuse to be fat and lazy and all things people like to assume not being attached to your weight mean, letting go puts the focus back on our actions. It gives you the right to do what’s healthy for healthy’s sake. Sometimes our weight can distort things. Consider the skinny fat person who eats like crap and never moves. With weight as a distorting lens to judge whether or not they’re healthy, they’re winning. Without it, they’re shit out of luck.

Weight is just an outcome—and as the skinny fat example suggests, it’s just a part of the picture. It’d take a certain kind of person to suggest that appearance trumps everything else and I’d like to punch that kind of person squarely between the eyes.

Lose the lens. Take some responsibility for taking care of yourself and be proud of the fact that you’re doing it.

All of this is asking you to take a step. To start to live for being healthy and happy and fit and strong rather than to live against being fat, sad, out of shape, or weak. Instead of avoiding the things that you think will bring you down, go after the things that will lift you up. Instead of avoiding whatever it is you’re scared of in life, create what you want.

Are you ready to live “as if?”

Finally, some more cheese…

Tis’ the season

Posted on November 1, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

November 1 is one of my favourite days of the year. At least in Canada, there’s nothing between now and Christmas, which means my Christmas obsession is less frowned upon. It also means Christmas music is semi-acceptable, anything and everything that can be red or green should be (festive socks, anyone?), and that it’s time for me to start digging out the Christmas decorations.

I noticed a few posts around the blogosphere lately talking about how to approach the holidays. With a few months of paleo-esque eating under my belt and about 23 years of experience doing what doesn’t work, I think it’s time to share my strategy for special occasion dining and my thoughts on how to approach the most wonderful time of the year!

Just like you can be sure your Aunt Edna’s going to make an inappropriate comment about why you’re still single, the holidays guarantee one thing: there will be goodies. Cakes, butter tarts, candies, pies, eggnog, hot chocolate, loaves, cookies–name it and it shall appear.

Chances are, you’re going to be facing some of your favourite treats and this time of the year is the only time you’ll see ‘em. While there are plenty of advocates for aiming for perfectionism and avoiding all things tempting–we’ve all heard the advice to snack on an apple or a bowl of soup before heading to a holiday party–I’m going to advocate something different. As someone who’s had the soup, the apple, and a plate of cookies anyways, I can tell you–it doesn’t matter if you’re “full”–if your favourite thing is in front of you (and it’s not really “food” so much as delicious foodlike stuff), you’re going to find room for it.

For years I aimed for perfectionism when it came to holiday dinners. I’d eat white meat turkey, no gravy. I’d skip my mom’s delicious candied sweet potatoes in favour of eating a huge “ceasar salad” (romaine with reduced fat dressing)that I’d fix for myself—and of course receive looks for eating (and I get it – why would I fill my belly with boring old salad when I could be eating all kinds of once a year dishes?). During the meal, I’d have no problem holding it together.

After, it was all bets off. I’d volunteer to put things away so that I could eat more turkey—the good dark meat that I really love. I’d leave some sweet potatoes in the dish so I could eat a few. I’d lick the spoon after I finished putting the mashed potatoes into a Tupperware. It was like since none of these were on a plate, none of these counted.

I’ve mentioned this phenomenon before—and I call it “sneaking” because Geneen Roth writes exquisitely about this kind of eating without eating. FYI, if you’re like me and you catch yourself nibbling on things as you put them away, prepare them, pass through the kitchen, etc., you’re not alone. But also FYI: you are eating that food. And if you’re eating it, why not just sit down and own your decision?

This year, I’d challenge you to eat what you really want—in full view of your family, friends, and yourself.

The worst part of the “sneaking” isn’t the food itself. If you’re like me, you’ve obviously been doing okay with your weight regardless of whatever weird behaviors you’ve had with food. The worst part is by far the damage you’re doing to your self esteem. When you sneak that food that you’ve told yourself you “can’t” have, you’re reinforcing that it’s something you shouldn’t be doing. If you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing, you’re going to feel bad. There’s no way to win here—except going in with a different mindset.

On that note, I encourage you to stick to your guns when it comes to eating well during the holidays. By no means should being gentler with yourself mean eating cookies for breakfast lunch and dinner—but it does mean that eating a cookie should be a treat. If it’s not a treat, why would you do it? If you don’t actually want it and want the world to know that you’re gonna eat it, could you skip it? Is it really feeding you in a way you’d like to be fed?

I know that there’s a lot going on in this post but I thought it was worth posting. I found this handy chart on the Whole 9 site yesterday. I like how it forces you to slow down before you eat something that you know is “off track”. I like how it doesn’t refer to these kinds of eats as “cheats” or make them seem like “bad” foods and it makes the decision to eat something that isn’t moving you towards health one that you totally own and do because you genuinely want to.

At Thanksgiving dinner this year, instead of snarfing my normal ceasar salad white turkey combo, I ate intuitively and added a tasty but totally whole food treat into the mix. Leaving the ceasar salad (and all its funky fat) out of the mix left more room on my plate and in my belly for the brussel sprouts, squash, cranberries, and bacon with maple syrup dish I threw together for the whole family to enjoy. I had some of my mom’s sweet potatoes, skipped the gravy on the turkey (she tosses flour in to thicken it up), and I served up some pumpkin pie and chose to skip the crust. I had some candy corn to round things out.

Verdict? It worked for me! This Thanksgiving was one of the first holidays I didn’t binge. Guess what? I’m the same awesome Cheryl I was a month ago—if not more so! I haven’t “let myself go” but I’ve let myself be—there’s a big difference!

I’m looking forward to all the festivities this year. I can remember obsessing about what I would or wouldn’t eat at parties and often I’d go out, come home, and binge. I’d let the food take away from the fun. It’s supposed to be about the company, the family, the friends, the fun–the food is just a bonus. Keep it that way.

If you take one thing away from this, please take this advice that a friend of mine mentioned in one of his talks earlier this month. It’s not so much about what you do between Christmas and New Year’s—it’s the New Year’s to Christmas stretch (the rest of the year) that matters. Make most of your choices move you towards health (because food that you eat either makes you healthier or it moves you away from health–there’s no “neutral” or “sideways”) and you’ll be golden.

This post about your Christmas eats on Naturally Engineered’s blog echoed this:

“One day out of the year is not going to break you, it’s a lifetime of chronically bad eating which wrecks our metabolisms or makes us sick. So, if you’re having trouble coming up with paleo recipes or trying to afford all of the food you’re buying for your holiday dinner, don’t worry about it. Do what you can, and make do with the rest.”

Amen to that.

This post is just a jumping point and luckily we have 53 days of festive time for me to keep writing. I’ve got a whole lot of thoughts on on “paleo-ifying” your favourite treats. Hint: while I think almond flour is pretty awesome—and I’ve made some pretty tasty treats that don’t call for flour of any sort—a cookie is still a cookie, candy is still candy, and a treat is still a treat!

On that note, I’ll leave you with this.

Brownies don’t bring bliss

Posted on June 7, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

Recall my presentation this afternoon on stevia? It went pretty well. It helps when you bribe people with brownies…

Lucky for me there were leftovers. I gave the staff I see every day on my way to class the leftover “good” brownies (the ones from the box with sugar) and ended up with a couple of the stevia “brownies” left. In the mix: applesauce, baking soda, baking powder, cocoa, dark chocolate chunks, vanilla and flour. I took the recipe from a site I searched out on google even though it didn’t get the best reviews. Simple. Not really dessert, if you ask me.

More like snack…

I was hungry before my hair appointment today so I went for it and had one of the goodies. I liked it, even if most of my classmates were not quite as into them.

In the past, a brownie for a snack never would have happened. Today, it did. And if it had happened in the past, you know what would have happened? Not the “bliss” I’d expect (the emotional soothing) but probably self loathing or a binge. While the brownie didn’t bring me bliss this afternoon (I don’t think even the best brownies in the world could do that), a couple of things did:

getting rid of my mullet

a sweet ass run (again in my sports bra, because it was beautiful and because I am beautiful)

a really good smoothie for dins (pumpkin, yogurt, soy milk, flaxseeds, pumpkin pie spice, and spinach, topped with oats)

an evening at Starbucks with an impromptu study partner (a friend from the gym who has a knack for bringing my stress levels down and making me laugh)
a mocha (’nuff said)

finishing a project that’s due tomorrow
getting my last source for my article that’s due tomorrow (thank god for helpful people and admitting that you’re a student journalist in a bit of a pickle/rush!)
TMI warning!!!!! … a visit from Aunt Flo, NO PILLS/RING/ANYTHING required
not letting myself get stressed right now even though I “should” be

a little extreme, but you’re laughing. and it’s true.

tomorrow being Friday!

See what I’m getting at here?

Your take-aways from this post:

a) Focus on the positive.

b) Eat brownies.

c) Liberate yourself. Cut your hair, run in your sports bra, do something that makes you different.

d) Put spinach in your next smoothie.

e) Smile.

What brought you a little bliss today?
Have you ever baked with stevia?

Dear diary: The best binge of my life

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

A really great binge.

Is there such a thing?

As liberating as writing a few posts this week that I think really show how far I’ve come in recovery has been, I feel a bit of resistance. And a bit of stress with starting summer school. And that’s played out in chocolate cravings and some night time eating that is fine, but that probably should have raised a bigger red flag for me.

Anyways, it is what it is, and even though yesterday was perfection–my yoga class was fun, I hung out with a friend after, etc., I still fell into some bad territory last night. Or good territory, depending on how you look at this all (if you can follow along, you’ll see!).

Since I don’t have a deceptive bone in my body, I’m going to lay it all out:

went to bulk barn
ate some chocolate in a relaxed manner
got past the point of tired, got past the point of eating for pleasure/hunger, got to the point of “am I bingeing?” and stopped
went back to the kitchen, continued eating “I’m definitely bingeing”
went back to the kitchen again, tossed the rest of what I was bingeing on (telltale old dieting habit: I’m too out of control to have it around? <– that’s bull!) but ate more in the process
went to bed
felt sick
got up and threw up

Now, here’s what was different. NORMALLY I’d have been a WRECK over this. Does my reaction, which wasn’t to beat myself up, to plan a diet, to continue eating, to cry myself to sleep, to write epic blog posts or journals, mean I don’t care? That I’m giving up on recovery?

Hells no.

I think it means the opposite.

That binge/purge didn’t serve me at all. Not one bit. It was a waste of money, time, and energy. But it was a lesson!

…that I need to be more in touch with things: I should have went to bed. I should have done my laundry so I didn’t see it and feel bad when I walked in the door. I should have organized my notes before going out for the night so I don’t have that lingering feeling of being a slob. I should have sat down and breathed when I got in the door. But I can say should have til I’m blue in the face–it is what it is.

Today, I went back into one of my favourite recovery books — “It’s Not About Food” and read some of the dog-eared pages:

“At the heart of every eating disorder…there is a cry from the deepest part of our souls that must be heard. It is a cry to awaken, to embrace our whole selves, to see past the limitations we have put on ourselves by defining our bodies or our eating habits as good or bad. … It is a call from the part of us the holds our desires and passions to grow, heal and fulfill our dreams.”
about trusting your process
reading that recovery isn’t linear
The authors describe recovery as a mountain with thousands of paths to the top (where things come to a head and you are tossed back and forth between the ED side and the recovered side). They use the mountain as a guideline and I see myself in it. It was helpful to read about the stages I’m not alone:
- “The fear that you will gain a million pounds comes roaring into your life.”
- “As you start to put your eating, your food, and your weight in the proper perspective, all the feelings that you had been overeating or underrating over come up and out. These are the feelings your have numbed with food. These are the emotions you have pushed down with obsessional thinking…It is an illusion to think that the food has made them go away.”
- “Many times you have all your feelings and you are still overeating or starving yourself. To make matters worse, eating the food or controlling the food doesn’t numb you anymore. … Your thoughts are filled with how fat and out of control you are. You think how easy it would be to just go on one last diet, and yet you know that isn’t the answer. … As painful as it can be, this is one of th emost powerful parts of the whole journey. It will teach you about yourself and lead the way to knowing how to live the rest of your life with peace and self-love.”

The authors also offered some valuable reminders: ”You will eventually eat like a normal person. You will weigh what you were meant to weigh naturally. You will know and speak your own truth.” Amen to that.

And while I see myself in that struggling place where you have behaviours and emotions and so much going on, I also connected for the first time with a stage later in their process:

”Even though you may still over- or under eat or obsess now and then, it doesn’t happen as often and it shouldn’t worry you because you know that you have the tools to turn things around. You are also more trusting of yourself and this process: you know that this happens snow and then and it’s okay.”

Because today, I feel okay. I feel good. I feel like I’m going to have a great weekend regardless of that fact that this happened. I feel totally different than I ever have after a binge. I didn’t clean out my cupboards, I didn’t meticulously plan my food, I didn’t decide to only have one treat a day this weekend, I didn’t decide to do double workouts every day, I didn’t compulsively clean my apartment, I didn’t do any of the things that I used to do to try to “deal with” last night. I don’t have to. I don’t feel like crawling into my pyjamas and hiding from the world today. I feel like getting out there and being awesome. I reminded myself: even if I gained weight from that, that weight is part of my recovery. My weight is not the issue–it never has been and it never will be (because I’m not going to forget these lessons any time soon). This all brought the realization that I don’t need to binge and purge again–it does NOTHING for me. And that carries over: I don’t need to worry about my weight — it does NOTHING (positive) for me. My ED is no longer serving me. If that’s not a huge statement, I don’t know what is. It’s like I knew that, but I had to prove it via a binge. It’s definitely worth it because it showed me just how useless my ED behaviours are. Let ED slip back in? Not an option. Let him win this weekend and make me miserable? Not happening–ED is not even a contender in my life anymore–that’s what this binge showed me!

I kind of have this sentiment to ED: NANANANABOOBOO YOU CAN’T CATCH ME!

Turns out, I don’t need to binge!

That’s all.

If you’ve recovered, how did you know you were done with ED?
Thoughts?

Unexpected epiphanies

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

Wowzer. I didn’t have any intention of this being a post about realizations or anything bigger than a bike ride this afternoon (45km ish with a friend !), cleaning, and what I ate today. Funny how blogging can spark insight…enjoy:

I think I blogged before that I’m feeling a bit stuck in my routine of eating the same things over and over again.

Kashi berry crisp, all bran buds, and grapes with yogurt!

My breakfast bowl was a little different, which is a start.

I spent the morning working on making my apartment presentable (it’s not disorganized mess — I have lots of things to go to my mom’s place for the winter like my boots/coats/etc.). I closed my closets for the first time in 2012! Yahoo. I also made it to the bank, which has been on my to do list for a while. Check! Then I stopped at Bulk Barn.

Things got out of hand…and there are treat bags that I can’t help but reveal.

gluten, dairy, soy, almond/peanut free for Angela (it's my version of chicken noodle soup since she's sick !): think dried fruit (bananas, papaya, pineapple, and mango), dates, and skittles

My road trip dream: yogurt covered pretzels, pretzels, chocolate covered almonds, mixed nuts, papaya, banana chips, and chocolate rosebuds

Everything I think my mom will like!

You’d be surprised to know I went on this bulk barn blitz AFTER lunch (another turkey sandwich with cheese, sprouts, mayo, and an apple — back to boring). I couldn’t finish my lunch, though, which brings me to a weird realization I had (that probably led me to feel “brave” enough to buy MYSELF a treat bag!). Get ready for this.

In the past, I have ALWAYS finished my plate. I cannot remember the last time I left anything on it. I sometimes think I’m just really good at knowing how much food I want, but I think it’s a remnant of dieting days where I would literally need everything on my plate (I also wouldn’t share food then, because every bite meant so much to me) or of my recovery days where I think I cleaned a heftier plate to prove I was recovering. — NEWS FLASH: You don’t have an ED if you decide not to finish something. You also should feel fine to finish things and to go back for more. The goal is to feel satisfied–not stuffed!
This epiphany made me realize that I really can leave behind old habits.

In the past, I also would go out and buy road trip snacks for the people I was travelling with, trying to buy things I “don’t like” anyways. Often, I’d end up eating them with my friends/family and I wouldn’t even be having what I wanted, PLUS I’d be serving up a hefty dose of guilt in the process (it’s hard to ENJOY something as a TREAT when you hear a voice telling you that you shouldn’t be eating it). — NEWS FLASH: We all deserve treats. If we allow ourselves to eat food and to enjoy it without telling ourselves we shouldn’t, they will be more satisfying and will serve their purpose as a treat–not as a reason to beat ourselves up, not as something emotional, etc.

All this thinking made me realize: I can go away this week and I can worry about what I’m eating. Or I can truly try to channel that healthy girl I know I am and find the voice that empowers me to eat in a way that is normal, balanced, and healthy and that doesn’t use food as a distraction, a means to beat myself up, etc. I can change. Evidenced by the empowerment I felt by just deciding that I was full and didn’t need the entire plate at lunch or by the simple act of making myself an uber appealing treat bag, I can change. I can be the healthy girl I want to be. I am her! My goal for the week is to eat things in moderation. Candy on a daily basis, most likely. American junk food that I wouldn’t let myself ENJOY in the past (though I’d end up eating lots of it in bingeing fashion). Things like white bread and white potatoes (which the blogging world has a tendency to label “bad” but really are not the devil) and butter, full fat cheese, and whatever else comes up along the way. I’m not going on a junk food eating bender here. When I allow myself that flexibility and see myself succeeding and eating as a balanced person would, I feel so powerful. I know in my heart that I will crave vegetables and fruit and nutritious foods and that I will eat them–so no worries that I’m going to die from a nutritionally related disease next week, kiddos! The thing that I think people often forget that I’m trying to remind myself: I eat to live. The food I put in my body is fuel. If food is holding you back, could you just let go? What would happen if it didn’t have power? Might you not weigh what you’re supposed to (more, less, the same) without stressing about it? Might you not have more time and energy to spend working on things that matter and to seek out experiences? Because really, what are we here for if it’s not to live?

And I apologize for getting all philosophical, deep, recovery-like on you there, but I hope that made sense. I also hope I can take it and apply it.

So for dinner tonight, when I was seriously craving peanut butter and cereal, I went with it. And along the same vein as I realized above, feeling guilty about not eating veggies won’t serve me. Feeling bad about eating a lot of cereal in a day also won’t. Recognizing that at the end of the day, I fuelled myself and didn’t binge, didn’t use food as an excuse, didn’t let it rule my life: that’s healthy! So probably is my fibre intake…

Anywho, it’s time for me to finish packing and then to go get my zen on. I’m really excited for this trip…

Bring on the Tasty Cakes.

Bring on the family bonding (I miss my Grandma and uncle, I can’t remember the last time my mom and I took a road trip).

Bring on the pretty drive.

Bring on the time to read.

Bring on the time to sleep.

Bring on the bike rides in the hills.

Bring on the happy!

Have you had any of these realizations before?
What would be in your treat bag?
Have you had tasty cakes (I think I need a supplier)?

Sunday Sharing

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

Morning!

I’m going to go a little bit diary on you, so forgive me if you can’t follow!

Today I slept in because last night turned into a later (fun!) night than I thought it might. It also involved more m&ms and beer, and me having to tell myself “it’s okay even if you had eaten the whole bag, which you didn’t” and stopping any bingeing inklings. Because the truth is, m&ms are fine, and even a half a bag is OK if it wasn’t in a bingeing setting. I do NOT do this on a daily basis and the risk with it is that I let it drive me to restrict, to overeat, to alter things in any way. Instead I’m looking at how I kind of wanted to keep going with eating them as a signal: why? Why do I want to sabotage myself when I start to feel good? With my old belief, I get it. I would be restricting soon and I would then be eating as a “last chance” kind of thing. But the truth is, if I can believe that “I am perfect the way I am” and that “My body will take care of itself in terms of weight” and just keep trying to do this til I make it, forgiving any little “mistakes” and seeing them as learning opportunities/insight, I don’t have to feel bad about anything. So I’m not, which is refreshing! I know normally the day after I go out, I feel bad—even if I haven’t binged. But when I look back on my m&m indulgence from a place of curiosity…hmmm…and see that I was a) hungry b) tired and c) tempted to use them as a way to sabotage, I don’t have to feel that guilt.

So anyways, ranting done. I started today off with my trusty bowl of cereal/nut butter spoon and now I’m just doing some lazy sitting stuff while I work up the energy to do my training! I know I’ll feel energized after a bike ride (which I think I’m doing inside since it’s a bit chilly and I rode outside all week) and maybe some yoga! I’ve got Sunday Funday to look forward to and then I think I’m heading to Sarnia for the evening.

I wanted to share the guest post I loved about injury on Carrots n Cake. I am clicking over to WY I Run because I can relate to the insight on injury oh so much! I might not have had a hip stress fracture (though I was sure I did), but with my spending three months off and coming back slowly I can totally relate to this stuff! I also really liked the post on Drop it and Eat it about what happens when you change your relationship with food (it might as well be with yourself, I truly think our relationship with food mirrors our relationship with ourself a la Geneen Roth) — while it’s “thrilling, liberating…refreshing” as the post says, it’s also “frightening” — so true! I think, and the post takes a similar view, that at some point you realize that it’s not worth it and that since you are in control of your own life, you just have to get excited about the potential, not scared of the possibilities. Amen to that!

Frustrated Friday

Posted on April 6, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

This is going to look normal enough, but that’s what makes it frustrating.

Breakfast yesterday was typical–apples with cereal, soy milk, and some raisins…

A short run at a decent pace…

Me being a goof…

A typical peanut butter and carrot sandwich for lunch…

Greek yogurt and a banana for an afternoon nosh (on top of studying at Starbucks, of course)…

A giant salad for dinner…

Unphotographed but still normal — an apple after a particularly sweaty (and awesome) yoga class.

A bowl of salty pretzels in response to a craving…

…but what you don’t see is all the frustration and all the “nibbles” and “tastes” I had along with this (think grapes and berries galore, chocolate covered almonds, handfuls of cereal, etc.), or the evening “mini binge” I’ll get into in a bit…

Facts:
This is a stressful time.
I have a history of using food to distract myself.
I am recovered.
I am strong and fit.

Writing my post about recovery writing yesterday coupled with anxiety over going home (or not going home) this weekend in combination with end of the semester work, my mystery shoulder pain, and other little stressors was a lot for me. I started to have thoughts like “I’m too fat for summer” and “I’m always going to be injured and out of shape” and even “If I could lose weight things would be fine” until I realized all of the things I know as truths: I’m in the process of finding my happy weight by letting it happen as a result of eating in a balanced way and exercising in an enjoyable manner, I am not doomed to be injured forever and there are tons of active things I could do with a hip, shoulder, whatever injury, and if I lost weight my assignments, fears about the future, and dirty apartment wouldn’t miraculously disappear–I’d just be lighter and probably hungrier.

Still, even after a productive day (a short run, lots of homework and blogging, seeing some friends, grocery shopping, yoga, etc.) I should have dove into bed. Instead I dove into old habits and dug into a bag of pretzels and chocolate chips. Throw in some chocolate covered almonds and you have what I consider a mini binge—delivered standing over the sink and with a hefty dose of anxiety and guilt. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those foods but there is something wrong with swallowing them whole, telling yourself you shouldn’t be eating them, and with giving them the power I did.

I was going to keep this to myself but I had an epiphany and I remembered that keeping things a secret out of shame just reinforces that something was shameful. This little slip isn’t something I need to be ashamed of. It is something I need to admit. It doesn’t mean I’m not recovered or that I’m letting Ed back in my life, because I am recovered and I intend to stay this way.

So for this epiphany, which comes in two parts:

1. Ed is like an ex boyfriend who wants me back and is pissed that I’m not interested. He gets particularly riled up when I’m getting happier than ever (who am I to like myself or to want to share my recovery tips?) or when I’m stressed (understandable).

2. This one is a bit harder to articulate but I’m going to try: Jenni Schaefer talked about a counter Ed during her recovery and I think I have a counter Ed on my hands. Last night my heart and my head told me to go to bed. But counter Ed told me that doing so, when I was kind of hungry, meant that I was listening to Ed (ie giving Ed the power to say I couldn’t have pretzels before bed). The truth is, I need to listen to ME. Not to either Ed. This is my life and I can decide to eat or not eat something and I don’t have to worry about proving anything to anyone by my choices.

Take that Ed. I’m going to enjoy a day of eating what my tummy wants, exercising if it feels good, and focusing on the right things: finishing assignments, seeing friends, and smiling more.

Do you know what I mean when I refer to counter Ed?
Have you ever dealt with anything like this? Tips?

Back on track

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

Goal for today: get back on track.

Progress so far: check.

I rolled out of bed in time for swim, feeling a bit icky from last night’s binge.

Swim was pretty easy, and that’s alright. A challenge for me, forcing me not to “feel lazy” or to push harder as a way to punish myself or “make up” for last night, something I know would start a cycle I am not willing to go back into right now.

By the time I was ready for the day, I was hungry hungry!

My phone died so you’re getting a dose of cleavage (ha, I wish) with breakie shot of my overnight oats with cocoa, soy milk, yogurt, coconut, chocolate chips, and a banana.

The ladies at my coffee stop offered a shortbread sample and I couldn’t say no today…

After working at the Gazette this morning, I had a dietitian appointment. My stomach was killing me and I was feeling so emotional about last night but the appointment helped. She reassured me that I did everything right but asked me how I could stop it in the future and ensured me that this doesn’t have to mean relapse and that I don’t have to let this get me down or affect me negatively. That’s what I needed. We also talked about my anxieties over how differently I’m eating (even though it’s healthy, it’s different and that is a challenge) and about what the real anxieties I should be focused on are: school, life, etc. are the stuff that I need to realize matter, not that I am eating less meat. Those are what are overwhelming, not my urges to eat chocolate. Also she reminded me that I should honour my hunger today and not get into that pattern of restriction.

So I took some medicine for my tummy, which is still angry. Note to self: bingeing makes you feel like crap emotionally and physically. It’s really not worth it. At all.

I had an apple when my stomach started growling and when I got home—all I wanted to do today was lay down—I eventually got hungry for lunch.

I made a tuna salad (with sun dried tomatoes, onions, and light mayo) bagel. It was just right with alfalfa sprouts and a bit of cheddar cheese melted on the bagel.

The last bit I’ve been working away on one of the assignments that’s due tomorrow morning. The kicker’s this: I left my mac charger at the Gazette office and really don’t want to go back and get it right now because I’m off campus. So I can grab it tomorrow morning and rely on the battery reserve. It’ll be good for me cuz a break from it all and some forced productivity probably isn’t a bad thing. NTM, I can read everyone’s blogs and check my Facebook and twitter (essential things, folks) from my phone/iPad. Oh spoiled brat much, huh? I just have to save enough to print this stuff to hand in!

With that, I’ll leave you guys! Tonight I had plans to go to yoga and to fro yo. Last night, I binged. The two aren’t related. Tonight, I’m going to yoga and out for my friend’s birthday fro yo.

Back on track.

How do you shake off a slip?

WIAW no holding back

Posted on March 14, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

I’ll start with the basic, and then get into the no holding back part.

This morning, rolling out of bed was tough. I blame it on a whole bunch of too short sleeps and springing forward. I did manage to throw together a quick breakfast of grapes, all bran, yogurt, and pecans before making it to 8:30 class almost on time!

My morning snack (an apple with almonds) I ate over a chat with a friend who was here for an exam today! I haven’t seen her in a while so I stole away for a bit and was glad I got to talk to her, even if it was short and sweet.

crappy photo, good snack -- tradeoff makes it okay!

About an hour after that snack, my tummy was rumbling again so I went ahead and downed my lunch–a tuna/cheese/sprouts sandwich and some cherry tomatoes. Yummy again, but a bit soggy by lunch time .

After a busy day of work (and those still pumping me up tweets), I had my afternoon granola bar—the homemade ones I legitimately think I could eat every single day.

I had a rather unphotogenic banana en route to spin class today. I was going to save it for after but it had been a while since the snack part A, so I went for it while I walked in the sun!

Spin went well. I stuck to the coach’s plan, which meant mostly Zone 2 (read: “easier than I would like) and some Zone 3 stuff. No microphone meant I had to yell, or rather got to yell, for an hour. Stress relief, much?

I was still ravenous when I got home so even though I have a fridge full of food, I had a quick dinner. Repeat of yesterday’s lunch seemed good — and it was delicious. This time I added some raisins to the nut butter, carrots, and alfalfa sprouts in the wrap. Perfection.

What’s missing is the 2 other biggie carrots I downed while I was getting this ready—of course dipped in nut butter. And the water I chugged after. And you can’t see one thing: the tummy ache I gave myself.

So here come’s the full disclosure part: I felt like I was borderline bingeing tonight.

I was stuffing my face and stuffing my face, eating healthy carrots and peanut butter but feeling a bit out of control. Note that stuffing your face is far from eating intuitively. I was thinking about how I shouldn’t be having nut butter when I already had nuts but thinking back on Nancy Clark’s suggestion to eat your forbidden food every meal til you get sick of it (note: don’t try to get sick of it in one meal if you wanna experiment here). I was thinking about how I should be eating the veggies in my fridge. I was thinking about how I didn’t work as hard at spin as normal. I was thinking about how I have spare time tonight and should really put my laundry away. I was thinking about when I’m going to get everything done. I was thinking about a lot—and not about the food. So I removed myself, had a shower, and came back to it, promising myself that if I wanted to, I could have some chocolate sitting down when all was said and done but that since it was WIAW, I’d have to own up to all of it.

So, owning up is what I’m doing. I managed to take a photo of what my “binge” was and this was big–because the food itself wasn’t. Still, the way in which I was eating and the feelings were on the edge of a full blown binge and even though all those things I was worrying about are bugging me and a distraction would be nice, bingeing isn’t something I’m willing to do to get it. My recovery is too important.

Yeah, not my best effort. We all have our days though, right? In the grander scheme, hiding that I overdid it with a few extra spoons of peanut butter, an energy bars worth of granola, and some chocolate chips would send me into a bunch of questions and self-doubt: am I recovered? (yes) am I a hypocrite? (not if you’re honest) should I restrict? (no)

So I’m using it as a demonstration of how to get over a binge before it takes over.

My suggestions:

tell someone—accountability, even if it’s a text message, is going to make you more likely to get yourself out of a negative cycle
remove yourself from the situation—even if you’re not sweaty and stinky, take a shower OR go for a walk, sit in a different room than the kitchen, go outside for five minutes. perspective can change and getting away from “danger” is wise
don’t beat yourself up—do NOT restrict. I was tempted to cancel plans to celebrate a friend’s birthday over fro yo tomorrow (if you’re reading this, know I am slapping myself silly) and then realized how freaking selfish and stupid this would be, not to mention it would suggest that I need to be punished, which sounds more like a disordered thought than a healthy thought, don’t you agree?
figure out what’s up—for me it takes writing or blogging to get to a conclusion about what the heck is up. I don’t always get the answer (tonight I think it’s a combo of having a messy apartment, having a really stressful/busy day even though it went well, having a lot of self doubt, and a deeper attempt to sabotage myself…sorry for getting all deep on you here but I know that seeing my life heading down the road I want it to and feeling happy are AWESOME but they’re also NEW and DIFFERENT and allowing myself to be awesome used to be impossible, then became possible but hard, and now is beginning to be my norm with just a couple of these silly resistances—in other words, letting myself eat normally and letting myself go to school for what I want to and letting myself train like an athlete and letting myself be proud of my accomplishments are all things I know I need to and deserve to do, but it’s all kind of new awesome territory)

…phew!

Sorry for getting all that out. If that’s not a binge I don’t know what is. So my plan for the evening is as follows: chill. Yes, I have assignments due in the next week. Yes, my laundry needs to be put away. BUT I think my frantic and scattered brain is trying to tell me something, and it’s not that I’m in trouble because my socks aren’t folded and in their drawer.

Have you ever had one of these post-recovery “almost” moments? How’d you deal?
What’s the best thing you ate today?
How do you relax when you’re feeling overwhelmed?

Eating Disorders Awareness Week: My Story

Posted on February 27, 2012 by Cheryl Madliger

Hey everyone!

I am really excited to post this, because it means a lot to me. This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I want to do something in honour of it. So I’m going to be posting a few posts this week on how I dealt with my eating issues and hopefully sharing some resources for people who are struggling, know someone who might be, or who just want to learn more. I blogged a lot about this stuff at my old blog, where I had a page dedicated to Finding Healthy (posts that had to do with my recovery). This blog is more about my Recovered. life but I still know that eating, something we have to do every day, can be an issue for so many of us. I also know that talking, writing, reading, and working through these things is the only way that I was able to get better.

To start, I’m going to just give a brief rundown of my story…

For the longest time, I was a “fat kid”. I can remember being nine years old and wanting to lose weight. Ever spring saw me looking forward to a summer where I would finally lose the weight. It seems ridiculous–fourth graders wanting to lose weight and understanding dieting and thinking that being skinny will bring them happiness exist and I’m proof of that–because it is. What society is okay that sets kids up to feel this way? I had a good childhood–my parents gave me all the opportunities in the world and never discussed my weight. That being said, kids are cruel (“I think you need some Slim Fast.” stands out as a cruel insult that I’ll never forget from a boy I had a crush on).

I am fairly certain what I thought of as a big issue only became an issue because I made it that way. Sure, when I was a chubby kid and I was eating plain butter (“Cheryl, put down the butter!”) and drinking “shots” of cream (the creamers my mom didn’t use for her coffee), I might have been taking in a bit extra, but I really think I’d have lost the “baby fat” naturally if I’d just let it happen, but with the idea that I needed to be thin and to lose the weight came restriction and with that restriction came bingeing. As early as elementary school, I can remember coming home and eating bags of chips while I waited for my mom to get home from work. High school saw my issues getting worse–I remember my first binge and attempt at purging. I started wrestling and learned how to restrict and basically starve myself to make weight, and then it was normal to overindulge after, which only made my bingeing tendencies more of an issue. When I lost weight in high school, it was thanks to a whole lot of restriction and emotional issues. Hearing how great I looked was fuel for the fire and I kept losing and losing and working out more and more.

When I realized I had an issue–largely because I stopped getting my periods, started getting serious migraines, was depressed, and had a bone density scan come back showing osteopenia–I sought recovery. I came a long way then, with the help of a dietitian, counsellors, doctors, antidepressants, and my family, but when I went away to Hawaii the summer after high school, I slipped. I gained about 40 pounds that summer/fall (when I went away to university) and I also became bulimic. I was at one of my heaviest weights at this point, but no one thought I was unhealthy and I really thought I was “too fat” to have an eating disorder. I was exercising for hours (often twice a day, with teaching fitness classes as kind of an excuse for such extremes), bingeing and purging, and I was miserable. I stopped taking the antidepressants without any doctor’s guidance–a silly mistake a lot of people make–and the depression came right back.

This is the part of the story that a lot of people don’t know about/that is kind of unexpected. I had good grades that year, despite all my issues, but I dropped out of Western in the middle of my second semester of first year and enrolled in college at home. I lasted about two days at the college before I realized I’d made a mistake. I went through a heck of a process to get back to Western, spent a few months commuting the hour drive, and then found myself an apartment here and moved back. I was grateful to be back, but I still wasn’t happy and I was still depressed and struggling with my eating issues. I finally, with the hopes of losing weight, made an appointment to go to the dietician (it’s free for students). I didn’t tell her about my binges or my habits, but just went in under the premise of wanting to lose weight. She was obviously on to me, but didn’t press me too hard. Having a set meal plan made me realize I was under eating and then bingeing as a natural result of being stressed and underfed. I opened up to her after a few appointments and I started the work of dealing with my bingeing and purging. There was a lot of hard nights, where I’d sit with the binges. There were hard days, where I’d try to take a day off but almost always give in. I consider this point the time where I “managed” my issues but didn’t deal with where they were coming from. For the next year or so, I got by. I wasn’t thriving, but I wasn’t in the depths of the eating disorder.

Skip ahead to JAnuary of my third year. I decided once and for all, after some pictures where I thought I looked “puffy” to lose weight. I joined Jillian Michaels’ online training program, started working out twice a day again, and started to limit my carb intake at night. I thought I was eating healthier, and for a while I was. It was motivating to see the weight I’d been carrying around for so long falling off at a steady pace. I rewarded myself in 10 pound increments with things like pedicures, new shoes, jewelry, etc. I decided to come back to Western the next year as a nutrition student because I really got excited about eating healthier foods in moderation. But then I got to a point where my weight loss stalled. I was really lonely (my family lives far away and I used it as an excuse to isolate myself) and I started to restrict more and more. I don’t want to go into details, but I was scared of carbs and fat and I lied to the dietitian about my portion sizes. During all this time, I still didn’t get my period and I was still exercising quite a bit. The summer after my third year saw so many compliments about my weight loss/transformation and I had fun teaching bootcamp, doing yoga, and biking my butt off (literally). I came back in the fall 10 pounds below my original “goal weight” at the “ideal weight” for my height (BMI), but “ideal weight” is a crock of shit (pardon my french).

After a few months in the food and nutrition program, I realized I was sick. I realized that the tallies of calories on the side of my notes and the planning of my meals days in advance (tuna or chicken? oatmeal or cereal?) was unhealthy, so I went back to the dietitian. I opened up about what was going on. I dropped out of the nutrition courses I could and finished organic chemistry and the two half credits I had left in the semester. I switched back into kinesiology, terrified of food. I started to volunteer at The Gazette to fill my spare time and realized there was a world outside of weight loss. I still struggled with some habits, had ED thoughts, and used exercise compulsively, but I was en route to recovered. I saw a counsellor on a weekly basis, started going to support groups, and read as many books about Eating Disorders as I possibly could (I can’t wait to share a list of these with you guys–books made a huge difference for me). A year after setting a ton of weight loss resolutions, I set a ton of recovery resolutions instead. And the year was not an easy one, but it was an amazing one. I learned a lot about myself, I started to see working out as training (my first season of triathlon was changing for me), and I started to gain weight in a healthy, slow manner. I had struggles along the way, but who doesn’t?

That brought me to this year and where I consider myself recovered. There was a lot of learning along the way–lots by mistakes, and lots by realizing what felt right and what felt wrong. I erred on the side of overindulging, on the side of overexercising, etc. BUT it was only by doing that I could learn! I stay accountable to my dietitian and I sometimes go to support group if I’m feeling like I could use some love. I can take rest days, rest weeks, and I can eat junk food or leave it. I’m learning that it’s okay to want to eat healthy, we need to focus on eating real food in healthy ways, we need to exercise because it feels good, and I get it now that if you want to be happy, you will be.

I could never have gotten better if it wasn’t for the support of the people in my life. Friends, family, professionals, strangers… I couldn’t have gotten better if it wasn’t for me, wanting to. That’s what is key. You can have all the support in the world and not get better. You can have little support and get better. It’s up to you. Not to be dramatic, but an eating disorder will kill you. If it doesn’t kill you, it’s going to make your life miserable. Being semi-recovered is part of the process, but it’s not okay to half ass it for the long term. You deserve to be better, all the way better.

I realize this just turned into a novel/diary entry that I really didn’t think it would, but this is important. If it helps anyone realize that recovery takes a long time but is worth it, and you have to really commit–then I did something amazing and it was worth not doing my readings at the library for.

So, what’s next for me? I want to help people who struggle–be it through writing, volunteering, talking to people, teaching fitness classes with health as the priority, or just by living as an example. As much as I was convinced nutrition wasn’t the right place for me in school, I’m coming to realize that the only way out is through and it was only by actually paying attention to food and letting myself focus on it in a healthy way that I could get better. You’re going to eat every day for the rest of your life — being scared of food is never going to make for a happy existence.

This is where I make a sort of announcement that I’ve been hesitant to make (for fear of someone<–who, I don’t know–saying I don’t deserve to be a dietitian or I am not healthy enough to take foods and nutrition): I am coming back to Western this fall to take Foods and Nutrition at Brescia…I am an RD to be! I stole that uber cute phrase from Meg!

Do I regret taking a year to “find myself” and ending up back where I was last fall, in that same program? HELL NO. Not only am I going to come out with a kin degree and a foods and nutrition degree (sports dietician, anyone?), but I appreciate that life is about the process and we learn from our experiences. I just had a bit more time to become, well, awesome. I was in the program for the wrong reasons then — obsession — and I left for legitimate reasons at the time, but I’m ready to get back into it to learn about food with a new appreciation for it, new goals (changing the world to eat in a more conscious way, perhaps?), and new insight (recovery teaches you more than you could possibly know). I am beyond excited for summer school (never thought I’d say that) and for the next year and a half of courses, and I cannot wait to blog about the experience the whole way through (imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Kath)!

And break.

Do you have a recovery story to share (link up!)?
Do you like to look back on how far you’ve come?
What do you think about a second degree?

Happy is the new healthy

Tag Archives: binge