I’ll start with the basic, and then get into the no holding back part.
This morning, rolling out of bed was tough. I blame it on a whole bunch of too short sleeps and springing forward. I did manage to throw together a quick breakfast of grapes, all bran, yogurt, and pecans before making it to 8:30 class almost on time!
My morning snack (an apple with almonds) I ate over a chat with a friend who was here for an exam today! I haven’t seen her in a while so I stole away for a bit and was glad I got to talk to her, even if it was short and sweet.
crappy photo, good snack -- tradeoff makes it okay!
About an hour after that snack, my tummy was rumbling again so I went ahead and downed my lunch–a tuna/cheese/sprouts sandwich and some cherry tomatoes. Yummy again, but a bit soggy by lunch time .
After a busy day of work (and those still pumping me up tweets), I had my afternoon granola bar—the homemade ones I legitimately think I could eat every single day.
I had a rather unphotogenic banana en route to spin class today. I was going to save it for after but it had been a while since the snack part A, so I went for it while I walked in the sun!
Spin went well. I stuck to the coach’s plan, which meant mostly Zone 2 (read: “easier than I would like) and some Zone 3 stuff. No microphone meant I had to yell, or rather got to yell, for an hour. Stress relief, much?
I was still ravenous when I got home so even though I have a fridge full of food, I had a quick dinner. Repeat of yesterday’s lunch seemed good — and it was delicious. This time I added some raisins to the nut butter, carrots, and alfalfa sprouts in the wrap. Perfection.
What’s missing is the 2 other biggie carrots I downed while I was getting this ready—of course dipped in nut butter. And the water I chugged after. And you can’t see one thing: the tummy ache I gave myself.
So here come’s the full disclosure part: I felt like I was borderline bingeing tonight.
I was stuffing my face and stuffing my face, eating healthy carrots and peanut butter but feeling a bit out of control. Note that stuffing your face is far from eating intuitively. I was thinking about how I shouldn’t be having nut butter when I already had nuts but thinking back on Nancy Clark’s suggestion to eat your forbidden food every meal til you get sick of it (note: don’t try to get sick of it in one meal if you wanna experiment here). I was thinking about how I should be eating the veggies in my fridge. I was thinking about how I didn’t work as hard at spin as normal. I was thinking about how I have spare time tonight and should really put my laundry away. I was thinking about when I’m going to get everything done. I was thinking about a lot—and not about the food. So I removed myself, had a shower, and came back to it, promising myself that if I wanted to, I could have some chocolate sitting down when all was said and done but that since it was WIAW, I’d have to own up to all of it.
So, owning up is what I’m doing. I managed to take a photo of what my “binge” was and this was big–because the food itself wasn’t. Still, the way in which I was eating and the feelings were on the edge of a full blown binge and even though all those things I was worrying about are bugging me and a distraction would be nice, bingeing isn’t something I’m willing to do to get it. My recovery is too important.
Yeah, not my best effort. We all have our days though, right? In the grander scheme, hiding that I overdid it with a few extra spoons of peanut butter, an energy bars worth of granola, and some chocolate chips would send me into a bunch of questions and self-doubt: am I recovered? (yes) am I a hypocrite? (not if you’re honest) should I restrict? (no)
So I’m using it as a demonstration of how to get over a binge before it takes over.
- tell someone—accountability, even if it’s a text message, is going to make you more likely to get yourself out of a negative cycle
- remove yourself from the situation—even if you’re not sweaty and stinky, take a shower OR go for a walk, sit in a different room than the kitchen, go outside for five minutes. perspective can change and getting away from “danger” is wise
- don’t beat yourself up—do NOT restrict. I was tempted to cancel plans to celebrate a friend’s birthday over fro yo tomorrow (if you’re reading this, know I am slapping myself silly) and then realized how freaking selfish and stupid this would be, not to mention it would suggest that I need to be punished, which sounds more like a disordered thought than a healthy thought, don’t you agree?
- figure out what’s up—for me it takes writing or blogging to get to a conclusion about what the heck is up. I don’t always get the answer (tonight I think it’s a combo of having a messy apartment, having a really stressful/busy day even though it went well, having a lot of self doubt, and a deeper attempt to sabotage myself…sorry for getting all deep on you here but I know that seeing my life heading down the road I want it to and feeling happy are AWESOME but they’re also NEW and DIFFERENT and allowing myself to be awesome used to be impossible, then became possible but hard, and now is beginning to be my norm with just a couple of these silly resistances—in other words, letting myself eat normally and letting myself go to school for what I want to and letting myself train like an athlete and letting myself be proud of my accomplishments are all things I know I need to and deserve to do, but it’s all kind of new awesome territory)
Sorry for getting all that out. If that’s not a binge I don’t know what is. So my plan for the evening is as follows: chill. Yes, I have assignments due in the next week. Yes, my laundry needs to be put away. BUT I think my frantic and scattered brain is trying to tell me something, and it’s not that I’m in trouble because my socks aren’t folded and in their drawer.
Have you ever had one of these post-recovery “almost” moments? How’d you deal?
What’s the best thing you ate today?
How do you relax when you’re feeling overwhelmed?