I woke up needing a distraction.
A little background: things are awesome, my hip is en route to healing, I feel like I’m getting my life together and heading in the right direction, I feel more connected with my friends/family than ever (even though I miss a lot of people terribly, I feel really loved and supported right now), and when I look at where I was a couple of months ago, I can see how much progress I’ve made.
But today is Around the Bay, and I was supposed to be running that 30km this morning.
I’ve written about jealousy on my old blog, and I think it’s worth reminding myself that the feelings of jealousy I have right now are because I WANT to have done the run and achieved something so epic myself. It doesn’t mean I have to take it out on my friends (who ran SO WELL and are AMAZING for doing it), or on myself…but, for some reason, I have spent all day beating myself up (for not getting enough work done, for having a messy kitchen, for eating too much of this and not enough of that, by stuffing my face with everything from oatmeal to nut butter to pumpkin to grapes to kale chips<–all healthy things I intended to eat, but for some reason felt the need to overeat on top of the portions I put on my plate) and trying to get myself out of this funk.
I tried a bunch of stuff that usually works:
- going for a bike ride –> but I don’t feel like myself on the bike. I feel slow, I feel apprehensive, and I feel out of shape.
- talking to a friend –> multiple friends tried to remind me of very true things, and while they did help a little, I’m still sitting her bummed.
- getting out of my apartment –> even with the sunshine, I feel so whahhhh.
- pouring myself into an essay –> and one that I feel like writing, at that. Sure, I’ve gotten work done, but my mind keeps jumping back to things.
- wearing something comfortable –> my leggings feel tight. Is that even possible? they’re spandex! And I feel like I’ve given up since I had to put another pair of jeans away because they’re uncomfortably tight.
- going to starbucks –> but to be honest I’ve spent most of the last 24 hours at three different locations, and I just want this essay to be over with so I can do yoga or lay on my futon instead.
- reminding myself that this will get better –> but when?
As you can see, I’m trying. Trying, trying, trying. It was so helpful to read Kate’s post
about feeling out of sorts with her own injury earlier today. I love this girl’s comments, her honesty, and her tweets, but hearing her
say some of the stuff I’m thinking made me realize that it’s not just me. It’s easy to think that I’ll never get better, but there’s no way I’d think that about Kate or about anyone else working through an injury.
I’d never call a friend stupid for not being sure about what they’re doing with their life. Or what their eating or not eating (vegan? ethically raised meat? what about dairy? am I gaining weight from all of this? does it matter if I’m eating in line with my beliefs?). Or for anything…so why is it OK for me to do it to myself?
This is turning into one of those “I think I’m going to have an epiphany” moments.
The only thing I can do is keep going. Yes, it blows that I haven’t ran for 12 weeks. Yes, it sucks that I have been overeating a bit and still hang on to some of those emotional munching habits that I know aren’t serving me. Yes, I am probably a bit out of shape. No, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with my hip but I do know what I need to do.
And I am willing to do it. I’m not going to lie–I’ve kind of been half assing it with my physio. 5 minutes of foam rolling is enough. Those planks don’t really matter. And with other things. It’s okay to pick at that dried fruit at night. It’s alright to leave your assignments til the last minute. It’s okay to skip stuff cuz you’re “too stressed”. It’s fine to stay in because you feel gross. etc. etc. Nope, it’s not.
Regardless of whether or not I’m “bigger” than I should be. Regardless of whether or not I’ve wasted some time and made some really misguided decisions. Regardless of whether or not I’ve been mean to, mad at, or taken things out on myself OR other people, I don’t have to be this way. Yeah, this is cheesy, but every day is a chance to recreate ourselves. If I want to be that girl who is sure that she is an athlete, that she deserves to be happy, that is fun and prioritizes people, that gets good marks and is proud of them, and that admits that she doesn’t know everything (in the words of Jillian, if you’re not failing, you’re not trying hard enough). I know when I start to live with that kind of integrity–trusting myself, following through on the things I intuitively know (that standing over the fridge eating nut butter isn’t eating for fuel or nourishment, that running when my hip hurts is counterproductive, that exercise is meant to make us feel better and more energized, and that doing something (i.e. an essay) imperfectly is better than getting nothing done because you’re holding out for perfection), things will fall into place. Since weight is an outcome and not something to be controlled, that’ll just happen. I have this feeling regardless of whether I get bigger or smaller, I’ll feel better in my body. Since happiness comes from doing and not from being or having, I know I can start on this right away.
I’m done ranting!
I’m leaving my photos wordless again (it’s a portobello mushroom burger and a pumpkin smoothie with almond butter spoon, kiddos).
How do you deal when you should be running a race?
Have you ever read Kate’s blog (cuz you should)?
What is one thing you wish you could change about the way you act/live? <–deep, I know.
PS: CONGRATS ALL YOU AROUND THE BAY-ERS!